My wife, Whitney, and I recently celebrated 13 years of marriage. Over those 13 years, God has been so very gracious, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be married to such a godly, compassionate, devoted, and beautiful wife and mother of our four children.

As I think about marriage, I can’t help thinking about the many myths that pervade our culture. I firmly believe that marriage is not first about us—it’s about God and His covenantal faithfulness to His people. Therefore, it matters deeply how we think about marriage. Our enemy deceives and distorts our thinking about marriage, often in very subtle and small ways initially, teaching us to believe that marriage exists for reasons that ultimately undermine its grand and glorious purpose. 

We need to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16), identifying counterfeit pictures of marriage for what they are and returning again to its biblical purpose.

Myth #1: “Marriage Exists to Make Me Happy”

Like every diabolical myth that our culture embraces, there is a grain of truth in this one. Does God want us to be blessed, happy, and fulfilled? I would argue He clearly does, but He is equally clear that ultimate satisfaction cannot be found outside of Him. True happiness is found in a relationship with Jesus Christ. He came to give us joy and fullness of life in Him (Psalm 16:11; John 10:10). There is a supernatural joy found in surrendering our lives to His leadership and obeying His commands, which are for our good (John 15:10-11). 

“Happy are those who obey the Lord, who live by his commands.” (Psalm 128:1, GNT)

When we admit we don’t know best and humbly surrender the steering wheel of life to Him, He fills us with His Holy Spirit, and we delight to do His will. 

Marriage is a good and glorious thing. I can certainly testify that Solomon was on the money when he said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). The problem is that many people think marriage and/or a romantic relationship will fill the void in their soul. How many men have looked dreamily into the eyes of their girlfriend or wife and said, “You complete me.” And what often happens is that he is looking to his girl to be his functional savior who will make his life meaningful. The Bible calls that idolatry. Only God can give us the ultimate satisfaction our hearts hunger for, and to seek it in any created thing is to turn that good thing into a god thing, which is an idol.

Marriage does not exist simply to make you happy. Despite this myth being so common, what many don’t realize is that by looking to marriage to make them happy, they are putting an unbearable weight on their spouse, asking them to be something they simply cannot be. When challenges come, it will devastate you, because you thought, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy, not frustrated.” In the end, believing this myth leaves both husband and wife hurt, angry, and disillusioned.

Look to Jesus to be your Fountain of joy and living water, and then you can pour into your spouse with joyful service. See marriage as an opportunity to grow together through challenges and become more like Jesus as you pray together, serve one another, and care for one another through the good and bad of life. Seek Christ first as your reason for living and, out of that purpose, you can seek to encourage your spouse in their relationship with the Lord.

Myth #2: “Love in Marriage is Primarily about Romantic Feelings”

This myth is founded on a misunderstanding of love itself. In many minds today, love is more equated with a strong—even overwhelming—feeling. At the end of the day, this reduces love to chemical reactions in the brain and emotional highs. We use phrases like “swept off my feet” and “falling in love.” But no matter how powerful such feelings may be in the moment, they were never designed to sustain a marriage or be the foundation of your marriage.

Biblical marriage is covenantal. It is founded on a promise and a commitment. We still see it in our traditional wedding vows: “for better, for worse… till death do us part.” The whole reason for wedding vows is to give your marriage a cement foundation, not a foundation of quicksand. Feelings come and go. And very often, people conclude that because the romantic feelings have faded, they are no longer “in love,” and therefore, to be true to themselves, divorce is the obvious next step. 

But when your marriage is viewed as a covenant, the foundation for that marriage is not fleeting feelings, but the vows made before God. In marriage, something unique happens, as two souls are joined as one.

Jesus rooted His view of marriage in Scripture:

“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:4-6, NLT)

Myth #3: “The Grass Is Greener Outside My Marriage”

Many assume that marriage is about personal fulfillment (Myth #1), and then go on to assume that because their marriage is facing challenges, they must have married the wrong person. “I’m not supposed to be unhappy in my marriage.” Some may even go the religious route: “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy in marriage.” 

When this is your thinking, someone else suddenly seems so perfect for you (an obvious lie to everyone closest to you), and you’re tempted to pursue romance outside your marriage (which hurts everyone involved). The enemy would have us believe we married the wrong person and that our “soul mate” is still out there. This leads to emotional drift and comparison. 

The issue is not whether you are perfectly compatible with your spouse; the issue is with whom you are in covenant. God is utterly opposed to infidelity and seeking romance outside your covenant.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” (Malachi 2:15-16, NLT)

If the grass seems greener elsewhere, then you probably need to start watering your grass. Cultivate your marriage by communicating honestly and reigniting the romance with date nights, having sex, and finding new things to enjoy together.

Myth #4: “Marriage Should Be 50-50 with No Roles”

This myth is very popular, and it fits with the egalitarian mindset that says, “Men and women are totally equal; therefore, there should be no distinct roles!” Many would say that assigning roles to the husband or wife is outdated and at times demeaning. What this myth gets right is that marriage does involve two people with equal value. But while men and women are equal, they are not equivalent. 

The 50-50 mindset sets up your marriage for scorekeeping, power struggles, resentment, and confusion because it erases the God-given roles the Bible describes for a husband and a wife. According to Scripture, the husband is the sacrificial head of the wife (Ephesians 5:25). He is called to lovingly lead, protect, and provide. The wife is called to be the sacrificial helper (Genesis 2:18). That title “helper” is not demeaning; it is used of God more than anyone else in Scripture. It implies that the man needs help and support if he is going to lead well. Together, this dynamic is powerful and effective.

As Whitney’s husband, I know how badly I need her help and input, but I also recognize that God has called me to lovingly lead as the head of our household. When we work together as God prescribed, our marriage reflects the gospel (Christ and His Church) and is able to flourish as loving partners who embrace the roles God has given us.

This complementary approach says that each plays a vital but different role in making the marriage thrive. God blesses us when our marriage is structured around His good design and under His reign rather than bending to cultural pressures.

Myth #5: “It’s Just a Piece of Paper”

When I first announced that I was engaged to Whitney, a couple of my co-workers at a bank I worked for encouraged me to have a prenuptial agreement. I said I saw no point in doing that. They said, “It’s just covering your bases in case it doesn’t work out.”

What a horrible way to begin a marriage! In my years as a pastor, I have occasionally heard the explanation from couples that they haven’t wedded yet because, after all, “it’s just a piece of paper.” One man I sat down with later told me that the Lord had convicted him, and he admitted that this line was just an excuse for him to live with his girlfriend while putting off getting married as God designed.

What this lie misses is that marriage is far more than a mere contract; it is a covenant entered publicly which points to the glory of the gospel. A contract says, “I’ll commit to you as long as you keep your end of the bargain.” A covenant says, “I am committed to loving you no matter what—for better or for worse.”

God loved us first, not when things were going well, but when we were still sinners running from him (Romans 5:6-8). When we trusted in Christ for salvation, we were sealed with the Holy Spirit and bound in union with the Lord by covenant. Marriage is a signpost for this glorious reality of union with Christ (Ephesians 5:31-33).

Conclusion

Underneath all these myths is the big lie of individualism, which undercuts all relationships with self-centeredness. Rather than choosing to love our spouse through thick and thin, these myths undermine the foundation for the marriage relationship. The real question husbands and wives should be asking is, “How can I honor my marriage by serving my spouse today?” When we have that approach of loving service, we put the gospel of a God of unconditional love on display for the watching world.

Are you interested in learning more about Jesus Christ and what He’s done for you? I’d love to hear from you!