Tag: men and women

5 Common Myths about Marriage

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for LifeLeave a comment

My wife, Whitney, and I recently celebrated 13 years of marriage. Over those 13 years, God has been so very gracious, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be married to such a godly, compassionate, devoted, and beautiful wife and mother of our four children.

As I think about marriage, I can’t help thinking about the many myths that pervade our culture. I firmly believe that marriage is not first about us—it’s about God and His covenantal faithfulness to His people. Therefore, it matters deeply how we think about marriage. Our enemy deceives and distorts our thinking about marriage, often in very subtle and small ways initially, teaching us to believe that marriage exists for reasons that ultimately undermine its grand and glorious purpose. 

We need to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16), identifying counterfeit pictures of marriage for what they are and returning again to its biblical purpose.

Myth #1: “Marriage Exists to Make Me Happy”

Like every diabolical myth that our culture embraces, there is a grain of truth in this one. Does God want us to be blessed, happy, and fulfilled? I would argue He clearly does, but He is equally clear that ultimate satisfaction cannot be found outside of Him. True happiness is found in a relationship with Jesus Christ. He came to give us joy and fullness of life in Him (Psalm 16:11; John 10:10). There is a supernatural joy found in surrendering our lives to His leadership and obeying His commands, which are for our good (John 15:10-11). 

“Happy are those who obey the Lord, who live by his commands.” (Psalm 128:1, GNT)

When we admit we don’t know best and humbly surrender the steering wheel of life to Him, He fills us with His Holy Spirit, and we delight to do His will. 

Marriage is a good and glorious thing. I can certainly testify that Solomon was on the money when he said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). The problem is that many people think marriage and/or a romantic relationship will fill the void in their soul. How many men have looked dreamily into the eyes of their girlfriend or wife and said, “You complete me.” And what often happens is that he is looking to his girl to be his functional savior who will make his life meaningful. The Bible calls that idolatry. Only God can give us the ultimate satisfaction our hearts hunger for, and to seek it in any created thing is to turn that good thing into a god thing, which is an idol.

Marriage does not exist simply to make you happy. Despite this myth being so common, what many don’t realize is that by looking to marriage to make them happy, they are putting an unbearable weight on their spouse, asking them to be something they simply cannot be. When challenges come, it will devastate you, because you thought, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy, not frustrated.” In the end, believing this myth leaves both husband and wife hurt, angry, and disillusioned.

Look to Jesus to be your Fountain of joy and living water, and then you can pour into your spouse with joyful service. See marriage as an opportunity to grow together through challenges and become more like Jesus as you pray together, serve one another, and care for one another through the good and bad of life. Seek Christ first as your reason for living and, out of that purpose, you can seek to encourage your spouse in their relationship with the Lord.

Myth #2: “Love in Marriage is Primarily about Romantic Feelings”

This myth is founded on a misunderstanding of love itself. In many minds today, love is more equated with a strong—even overwhelming—feeling. At the end of the day, this reduces love to chemical reactions in the brain and emotional highs. We use phrases like “swept off my feet” and “falling in love.” But no matter how powerful such feelings may be in the moment, they were never designed to sustain a marriage or be the foundation of your marriage.

Biblical marriage is covenantal. It is founded on a promise and a commitment. We still see it in our traditional wedding vows: “for better, for worse… till death do us part.” The whole reason for wedding vows is to give your marriage a cement foundation, not a foundation of quicksand. Feelings come and go. And very often, people conclude that because the romantic feelings have faded, they are no longer “in love,” and therefore, to be true to themselves, divorce is the obvious next step. 

But when your marriage is viewed as a covenant, the foundation for that marriage is not fleeting feelings, but the vows made before God. In marriage, something unique happens, as two souls are joined as one.

Jesus rooted His view of marriage in Scripture:

“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:4-6, NLT)

Myth #3: “The Grass Is Greener Outside My Marriage”

Many assume that marriage is about personal fulfillment (Myth #1), and then go on to assume that because their marriage is facing challenges, they must have married the wrong person. “I’m not supposed to be unhappy in my marriage.” Some may even go the religious route: “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy in marriage.” 

When this is your thinking, someone else suddenly seems so perfect for you (an obvious lie to everyone closest to you), and you’re tempted to pursue romance outside your marriage (which hurts everyone involved). The enemy would have us believe we married the wrong person and that our “soul mate” is still out there. This leads to emotional drift and comparison. 

The issue is not whether you are perfectly compatible with your spouse; the issue is with whom you are in covenant. God is utterly opposed to infidelity and seeking romance outside your covenant.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” (Malachi 2:15-16, NLT)

If the grass seems greener elsewhere, then you probably need to start watering your grass. Cultivate your marriage by communicating honestly and reigniting the romance with date nights, having sex, and finding new things to enjoy together.

Myth #4: “Marriage Should Be 50-50 with No Roles”

This myth is very popular, and it fits with the egalitarian mindset that says, “Men and women are totally equal; therefore, there should be no distinct roles!” Many would say that assigning roles to the husband or wife is outdated and at times demeaning. What this myth gets right is that marriage does involve two people with equal value. But while men and women are equal, they are not equivalent. 

The 50-50 mindset sets up your marriage for scorekeeping, power struggles, resentment, and confusion because it erases the God-given roles the Bible describes for a husband and a wife. According to Scripture, the husband is the sacrificial head of the wife (Ephesians 5:25). He is called to lovingly lead, protect, and provide. The wife is called to be the sacrificial helper (Genesis 2:18). That title “helper” is not demeaning; it is used of God more than anyone else in Scripture. It implies that the man needs help and support if he is going to lead well. Together, this dynamic is powerful and effective.

As Whitney’s husband, I know how badly I need her help and input, but I also recognize that God has called me to lovingly lead as the head of our household. When we work together as God prescribed, our marriage reflects the gospel (Christ and His Church) and is able to flourish as loving partners who embrace the roles God has given us.

This complementary approach says that each plays a vital but different role in making the marriage thrive. God blesses us when our marriage is structured around His good design and under His reign rather than bending to cultural pressures.

Myth #5: “It’s Just a Piece of Paper”

When I first announced that I was engaged to Whitney, a couple of my co-workers at a bank I worked for encouraged me to have a prenuptial agreement. I said I saw no point in doing that. They said, “It’s just covering your bases in case it doesn’t work out.”

What a horrible way to begin a marriage! In my years as a pastor, I have occasionally heard the explanation from couples that they haven’t wedded yet because, after all, “it’s just a piece of paper.” One man I sat down with later told me that the Lord had convicted him, and he admitted that this line was just an excuse for him to live with his girlfriend while putting off getting married as God designed.

What this lie misses is that marriage is far more than a mere contract; it is a covenant entered publicly which points to the glory of the gospel. A contract says, “I’ll commit to you as long as you keep your end of the bargain.” A covenant says, “I am committed to loving you no matter what—for better or for worse.”

God loved us first, not when things were going well, but when we were still sinners running from him (Romans 5:6-8). When we trusted in Christ for salvation, we were sealed with the Holy Spirit and bound in union with the Lord by covenant. Marriage is a signpost for this glorious reality of union with Christ (Ephesians 5:31-33).

Conclusion

Underneath all these myths is the big lie of individualism, which undercuts all relationships with self-centeredness. Rather than choosing to love our spouse through thick and thin, these myths undermine the foundation for the marriage relationship. The real question husbands and wives should be asking is, “How can I honor my marriage by serving my spouse today?” When we have that approach of loving service, we put the gospel of a God of unconditional love on display for the watching world.

Are you interested in learning more about Jesus Christ and what He’s done for you? I’d love to hear from you!

The Mystery of Mars and Venus

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life1 Comment

By Jason Smith

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

Perhaps you’ve heard the oft-quoted line that “men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.” This statement highlights the noteworthy differences between men and women.

For many couples, these differences truly surface after the wedding bells ring. The story is told of a boy who asked his father, “Dad, what’s the difference between love and marriage?” The father replied, “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!”

Many a young couple could relate to this sentiment. In the days anticipating their wedding, the bride and groom both imagined the blissful life they are about to begin together. Of course, no one told them that their idealistic pictures are likely very different from one another. Perhaps, no one told them how much of marriage involves sacrifice. Perhaps, no one told them how many surprises there would be.

She didn’t know how much he liked working long hours on his car. He didn’t know how much she liked discussing paint colors. One woman was overheard at a garden-club meeting saying, “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

I wonder how her husband interpreted that remark.

Whitney and I are in our seventh year of marriage, and although we know each other so well, I expect we will continue learning new things about one another for the rest of our lives. I think most married couples would agree. Just when you think you’ve solved the puzzle that is your spouse, you discover there’s a lot more pieces you didn’t even know about.

And yet, despite the incredible differences between men and women, marriage really is a beautiful thing.

How do I know? Because it was God’s idea. If You’re the infinite, all-wise, sovereign Creator of the universe, one thing a puny-brained human can’t legitimately accuse You of is a bad idea. Now, one thing we could legitimately say to Him is “God, this is a mystery.” In fact, the apostle Paul used that precise word. Speaking of marriage, he said, “This mystery is profound” (Ephesians 5:32).

So, as we navigate the wonderfully mysterious world of marriage, what wisdom can we glean from Scripture? Here, it is worth looking at the very first marriage. After all, God used Adam and Eve’s nuptials as something of a blueprint for how marriage is supposed to work.

Right after creating the man out of the dust of the earth and breathing life into His nostrils, God made a vast and paradisiacal garden in which he could dwell. Then we read this:

“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die’” (Genesis 2:15-17).

God tells him to take his fill of all he wants from the garden. He can sink his teeth into any of the delicious, tantalizing fruits he finds — except, of course, for that one that’ll kill him. Best to leave that one alone.

But aside from this curious prohibition, notice what the text says about man’s job. He has a calling to “work” and “take care of” the lush garden. In other words, God placed Adam there to cultivate the garden. A lot could be said about how this relates to humanity’s purpose in ruling over creation as God’s image-bearing vice-regents — spoken about in the chapter before this (see Genesis 1:26-28). But for now, it’s important to see that God planned for the man to work before sin ever entered the world.

Now, notice what God says next: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). In a perfectly good world created by a perfectly good God, this “not good” is a bit jarring. The man has God. He has all the furry animals. He has a beautiful and sumptuous garden full of delicious fruits. Nevertheless, something is “not good.” Adam is one solitary dude. He needs a companion. He needs another human with whom he can relate and do life.

So what did God do? He created woman to be “a helper fit for him.” Don’t be put off by the language of “helper.” It’s actually a term of great honor. In fact, the Bible even calls God “helper” many times (see Psalm 54:4; 118:7). The big takeaway is this: Adam needs help. He cannot do the garden work God called him to all on his own.

Far too many men today are passive about the responsibilities God has given them. They don’t see themselves as having a purpose. They just kind of drift along without any real and clear direction. That’s a tragic thing. God calls us to take initiative in working hard for the good of others. He calls us to be diligent and passionate about improving the world around us.

At the same time, God did not intend for man to go it alone. Although the concept of rugged individualism appeals to many men, it really doesn’t fit with how God wired us. Genesis 2:18 forever stands as a witness to the fact that human beings were made for relationship with one another. And chief among those human relationships is marriage. In marriage, intimacy between two souls reaches its zenith.

But note something else. God said, “I will make a helper fit for him.” That is, God fashioned the woman with the man in mind. In the words of Goldilocks, the man and woman are “just right” for each other. God specially designed the man and the woman for each other. What makes marriage so powerful is that it taps into God’s genius for how two of his image bearers bond together for life.

In the words of Jesus, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). To a world that has embraced no-fault divorce, the Son of God says, “Don’t try to split what God has spliced.” Marriage is not like an old watch that you can discard when it stops working for us. It is more like a precious jewel that you would never even dangle over the edge of a dock. Granted, everyone comes to this text with their unique set of challenges and circumstances. Nevertheless, it remains true that marriage is by nature a binding covenant before God. He never said marriage wouldn’t take some work. He never said it would always be a cakewalk. He did say it was designed for permanence.

Tim Keller wisely said, “Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love.”[1]

When it was clear that none of Adam’s furry friends quite fit the bill, God performed the first surgery to craft the first female.

“So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:21-22)

Why did God form the woman from one of the man’s ribs? Consider this for a moment. God could have fashioned the woman any way He saw fit. He didn’t take a portion of the man’s brain (think of the endless jokes there would have been!). He didn’t take a portion of his feet (think of the trouble this could have led to). She came from his rib — from his side. Doesn’t God’s choice to use the man’s rib indicate that the woman was intended to be neither his superior nor his inferior, but instead, his equal? Men and women are distinct, but equal in their intrinsic dignity. Both are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

But they are also made of the same “stuff,” the same flesh. God took from Adam’s body so that Eve’s DNA was inevitably connected to his. They are biologically related. As it turns out, men and women are not from Mars and Venus respectively. But more than merely creating a genetic link between the two, God did it this way so that they could see from the very beginning that He created them for a one-flesh union that they alone can share.

Upon first laying eyes on the feminine beauty before him, Adam impulsively broke into song.

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.” (Genesis 2:23)

Okay, so maybe the lyrics aren’t your idea of romantic. Nevertheless, it set a pattern, and love songs like Pat Benatar’s “We Belong” and Bruno Mars’ “Marry You” have been a hit ever since.

Then God Himself summarizes, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (vv. 24-25). The “therefore” seems to be saying, “The man and woman can unite as one flesh, because woman is made from man’s flesh.” In other words, the man and woman really were made for each other. Nothing and no one should ever come between the husband and his wife, and the union they share.

This one-flesh union of marriage goes beyond sexual intimacy. It is a whole-life covenant that unites the man and woman as a permanent and unique couple who live together, eat together, sleep together, and go through all of life together. To men and women alike, marriage is a mystery. However, in Ephesians 5, Paul goes on to say it is a mystery pointing to the union of Christ and His church. If we needed one more reason to treat marriage as a weighty thing, here it is. It is a powerful, flesh-and-blood picture of the gospel. Thus, we ought to treasure marriage for the incredible gift that it is.

[1] Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Dutton, 2011). If there is one book on marriage that I can encourage you to read, this is it. Pick up a copy today: https://www.amazon.com/Meaning-Marriage-Facing-Complexities-Commitment/dp/1594631875/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Tim+Keller+meaning+of+marriage&qid=1580921249&sr=8-1

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