“I’m not really sure where we went wrong.” This mother wasn’t the first and won’t be the last I’ve heard say this. She was genuinely distressed over her daughter’s choices, lifestyle, and apparent disinterest in the Christian faith she had been raised in. As her mother explained, “Once she was out of the house, I rarely see her anymore.” Based on conversations like this one, I wonder if watching your own child wander away from Christ is one of the greatest agonies a Christian parent can know.

In other conversations like this, a Bible verse is often referenced. Proverbs 22:6 clearly says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

It seems so cut and dried. As long as you train up your child in the right way, that child won’t leave that path. Right? But here’s where basic Bible study tools can be so helpful.

The Book of Proverbs is a unique genre. Each proverb presents wisdom in the form of a straightforward axiom that usually describes two ways of life: the way of the wise that leads to life, and the way of the fool that leads to death. 

But while each proverb describes a general truth about the world, they are not meant to be read as foolproof, ironclad promises. Rather, they are divinely inspired true observations about life in a fallen world where God still reigns as King. Something can be generally true, but not specifically true in every individual case. Proverbs 22:6 was never meant to be read as an absolute promise or as a source of parental guilt.

It’s possible for parents to faithfully train up a son or daughter in the way they should go, and yet that child still walk away from God. We see examples of this in the history of Israel’s kings. In numerous cases, a faithful father has a godless son. And the reverse is also true.

The Family is the Pillar of Society

At the same time, there is a profound truth in Proverbs 22:6 that Christian parents do need to take to heart. The family is the pillar of society. As the family goes, so goes the nation. So, Christian parents should see the hope of this proverb. Training up your children to know and follow Jesus is essential. 

We see many passages that point to the active role of both a father and a mother in teaching their children about the fear of the Lord, what God expects of us, how we can be reconciled to Him, and how we can live out our God-given calling (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 12:24; 19:18; 22:15; 29:15, 17; Ephesians 6:1-4; Colossians 3:23). 

The family is the primary place of generational discipleship. Every generation has the responsibility not only to run the race of faith, but to hand off the baton to the next generation.

It is no secret that so many of the social ills our world is experiencing are traced back to the impact of fathers, in particular, walking away from their responsibility to love, lead, and be present in the home. Satan has done his best to dismantle families at every level, because the family is God’s good design for human flourishing. The first time we see the serpent in Genesis 3, he targets the first marriage by approaching Eve and undermining Adam’s role as head of the household.

Karl Marx may have called for “the abolition of the family” in his manifesto, but followers of King Jesus know better. The family is central to God’s plan of redemption. Even Jesus Himself entered this world through being born and raised in a family. As a boy, He submitted to His parents (Luke 2:51). He is the “Seed of the woman” who came to crush the serpent’s head (see Genesis 3:15). The gospel is about God the Father creating a family by adoption through faith in Jesus Christ, our elder Brother (Hebrews 2:11).

“Train Up”

The Hebrew word chanak (“train up”) carries the idea of developing an appetite. It was used in the ancient world of a midwife rubbing a date on a newborn’s palate to stimulate sucking. In a similar way, parents are called to cultivate desires in their children through both teaching the Word and living it out in front of them. 

One of the most powerful ways a parent can impact the next generation is through discussing the way a living relationship with Christ is changing them day after day. If children don’t see the Word making a difference in the lives of their parents, they won’t have an appetite for the things of God. A parent’s faithfulness is vital, but ultimately it is the sovereign work of the Spirit that changes a child’s heart so that they love God and pursue Him with all their heart. 

Discipline is clearly needed to establish boundaries and to teach children that going your own way leads to disastrous consequences. At the same time, author Josh McDowell encourages parents to pursue a real relationship with each of their kids. Rules outside of a relational context will foster rebellion.

“In the Way They Should Go”

This phrase is actually somewhat debated. Pastor Chuck Swindoll explained that this phrase in the Hebrew emphasizes the uniqueness of each child. Just as an eagle, a serpent, and a ship have their distinctive “way” (Proverbs 30:18-19), so children differ. Every child has their own “bent”: their personality, gifts, and temperament. Therefore, a parent can’t use a cookie cutter approach with each child.

In order to train up little Jimmy in the way little Jimmy should go, Jimmy’s parents need to become careful students of Jimmy and what makes him so unique. They can’t assume Jimmy needs the same exact guidance as his older brother Billy.

I should note that some read Proverbs 22:6 to mean something negative. If you don’t train up a child, you leave them to their own way, which they are likely to stay on that self-destructive path. There is certainly some truth to that interpretation, too. 

Either way, without giving any absolute promise about the outcome, the verse teaches that parents are going to be necessary for a child’s formation and growth. It’s not teachers, youth pastors, coaches, or curricula, but a child’s parents that have the central role of discipleship. Moms and Dads, with God’s help, you can do this!

A Prayer for Parents: Father God, we are lost and hopeless without your fatherly guidance to teach us the way of life. We need Your wisdom, truth, and grace as we seek to parent our children for their long-term good and Your glory. Do a mighty work of grace in our hearts and in our children’s hearts. Help us not be dismayed or fall for the lies of the enemy, but to faithfully embrace the calling and stewardship You have entrusted to us. It’s all by the grace of Your Son, Jesus, in Whose name we pray.

Thoughts or questions?  I’d love to hear from you!