In his book, Christian Living in the Home, Christian psychologist Jay Adams describes a time a marriage counselor sat down with a couple. Throughout their discussion, the counselor noticed how the husband shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The wife, on the other hand, sat with arms crossed in defiance. She slapped down a sheet of paper on the counselor’s desk. “There is why I’m getting an ulcer.”

Listed on the sheet was every wrong the husband had committed in the last 13 years, complete with supporting details. The counselor was taken aback, and the husband seemed to shrink in his seat. The counselor’s eyes rose to meet the woman’s. “It’s been a long time,” he said, “since I have met anyone as resentful as you.” The wife was speechless, and the husband sat up a little.

The counselor continued, “This is not only a record of what your husband has done to you [incidentally, subsequent sessions showed that it was a very accurate record], it is also a record of what you have done about it. This is a record of your sin against him, your sin against God, and your sin against your own body.”

This woman was directly opposing what we read in 1 Corinthians 13:

“Love… keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV)

Every relationship requires good communication to remain healthy, but in many cases, a husband and wife can’t communicate well because an icy wall of resentment has been built up between them. Until they deal with harbored resentment, the relationship will continue to suffer.

Every time you recount the wrongs of another, you are violating the principle of love.

We do this in various ways. We may not vocalize all the ways we’ve been wronged, but whenever a certain person pops into our mind, we silently rehearse all the ways they’ve let us down. We are experts at nursing grudges. We remind ourselves why we have the moral high ground and why certain people don’t deserve our kindness or affection.

God tells us to “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26), because He knows about the destructive tendency of being dominated by anger and resentment. And, yes, it can even cause ulcers when we allow rage to seethe beneath the surface.

Greeting with a Holy Kiss

Many have wondered about the contemporary significance of Paul’s plea to the churches to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” (1 Corinthians 16:20). In the first century context, it was a perfectly normal practice to plant a kiss on the cheek of a family member or close friend. Because the church is truly a family,[1] it only made sense for Christians to greet each other in this warm and accepting way. Many cultures still practice this today.

In my American context, a handshake or warm embrace conveys the same message: “You are welcome here.” If this was a normal practice, why did Paul have to urge the churches to do this? Because he knew how hostility can grow even between followers of Jesus, and he saw how out of place this was.

When you are holding a grudge against someone, it’s very hard to want to go up and hug them. The wall between two bitter people might be invisible, but you can sense the tension through their body language, physical distance, and avoidance of eye contact. The rift in the relationship makes physical contact—especially a warm embrace—seem impossible.

So, to urge believers to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” was a reminder to lay aside differences, forgive those who have wronged you, and reconcile when possible.

I have sometimes thought about the first time the letter to the Philippians was read aloud as the whole church gathered. In that letter, Paul suddenly calls out two women by name: “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord” (Philippians 4:2, NIV). This may have been a church of around 100 people where everyone knows each other. These two women apparently had a disagreement, and it was such a disagreement that even Paul heard about it while in jail over 600 miles away. I imagine them sheepishly looking up at each other as their names are mentioned.

Frankly, it’s a little comforting to know that Christians had disputes and disagreements even in Paul’s day. I don’t know if Euodia and Syntyche’s disagreement was over the color of the carpet or the size of the baptistry or the type of music that was sung. Who knows? Christians can get caught up in disagreements about all kinds of things! Paul, like a gentle father, reminds them both to work for the unity they share in the gospel.

Paul is not belittling them by calling them out here. More likely, these are a couple of very prominent women in the church who hold a lot of influence, and he wants them—in fact, he’s pleading with them—to not let their argument get blown out of proportion. He also mentions they are counted among those “whose names are in the book of life” (v. 3). He’s saying, “Remember, ladies, you are daughters of the King, and your names are written with permanent ink in the Book of Life.”

According to Revelation 21:7, the Book of Life is the massive book that will be opened for all to see on the Day of Judgment listing the names of everyone who will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Seeing disagreements through the lens of eternity helps to put things in perspective. Never forget that the very Christian you are now resenting will be with you in Heaven, too.

Complacent about Conflict?

Have you ever been part of an argument that seemed to take on a life of its own? By the end of the debate, both you and whoever you were sparring with are left huffing and puffing and neither of you can remember why you were fighting in the first place. Sadly, many marriages end or are damaged over pointless arguments that get out of hand. God calls husbands and wives to reconcile when there is a difference. Again, Scripture says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26) because Satan will try to use any and every dispute to split Christians apart. And he especially comes after marriage because it’s the most intimate human relationship. Perhaps you’ve heard this old poem:

To live above with the saints we love,
Oh, that will be glory,
But to live below with the saints we know,
Well, that’s another story.

We should not be complacent when we have conflict with other Christians. It’s not something to just “be okay” with or just ignore. Relational conflicts are like a slow leak in a dam that can drain the life out of you if you try to ignore them. God wants us to be honest with one another, and to reconcile and forgive when we have differences. I’ve spoken with some people who had a conflict with someone in a church, and because of that single conflict they’ve been bitterly holding a grudge for years. That’s not healthy for anyone—not for the church and not for yourself.

But the most important reason we must seek reconciliation is that it glorifies God. Bitterness should have no place among believers, because when we hold a grudge, our actions preach an anti-gospel. How can a church proclaim a message of reconciliation that would attract the world, if such a church is marred by bitterness, hostility, and division?

If you have a conflict with someone, don’t let it fester. Make every effort to reconcile with that person.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18, ESV)

Paul knows that many times, we find ourselves in pointless arguments and disputes when we are under stress. If we are fretting and anxious about the future or things that aren’t going well, it doesn’t take much for us to snap. Even the branches of a mighty oak will snap under enough pressure.

So, Paul says what we need to do: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). Now, we’ve got to remember where Paul was writing this . He wasn’t sitting in a Roman bath or sipping on an espresso at Café Roma. He was writing by candlelight in a dark jail cell in Rome. He was not writing this as someone unfamiliar with stressful and difficult situations. The best way to deal with relational conflict is to remember how Jesus dealt with our record of wrongs.

What Jesus Did with Our Record

For the follower of Christ, the gospel informs every relationship. We can’t understand love without considering how Jesus has loved us. We won’t be motivated to reconcile with others until we recognize that the gospel is a message of reconciliation. We can’t begin to forgive those who have wronged us until we remember how much we have been forgiven.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

Every single one of us has wronged Jesus more times than we could possibly remember. As God, our sin is first and foremost against Him. But did Jesus hold our sin over us? Did He stand afar with arms crossed, or did He draw near with arms extended? Relish these words:

“He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 3:13-14, NIV)

Jesus held that record of wrongs and, instead of hitting us over the head with it, He lovingly allowed the nails to be driven through that record and into His hands. Let’s remember how much we have been forgiven. And then go and do likewise. Reconciliation between believers should be priority number one, because love keeps no record of wrongs.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

---

[1] God is our Father, and we are called brothers and sisters.