The family is the basic unit of society. Our family background and experiences inevitably shape the way we view the world, for good or ill. Most of us love our parents dearly and owe them more than we know for helping us become the people we are today. Others at times have wished their parents had done many things differently. Still others have wished they had different parents.

If you have a hard-working, courteous and honest employee, there’s a good chance his parents had something to do with that. In God’s design, parents are intended to be the greatest human influences in a person’s life. By and large, worldviews, values, and beliefs are forged in the home.

It’s no wonder that when a winning athlete has a microphone shoved in her face she nearly always seizes the opportunity to thank her parents for helping her become the person she is today. Like it or not, God set up His world in such a way that parents have a major impact. In countless ways, you are unavoidably a product of your upbringing. Even the absentee parent greatly affects the child in ways they could not have dreamed.

Divinely Appointed Representatives

The way that one relates to other people, particularly those in authority, is shaped by the relationship they had with their parents at home. This extends to how one tends to perceive God. Of course, many parents may think this level of influence amounts to an impossible responsibility. But if considering all this gives parenting greater weightiness, that’s actually a good thing. Whether you are a dad or a mom, your children (no matter their age) need you desperately, and your God-given role is indispensable. Many parents only wish they had stopped to consider the significance of their role before their children moved out.

Nevertheless, God has granted parents the awesome privilege of representing Him to their children. Parents are a tangible and visible representation of the authority that is ultimately His. It’s no wonder that God often compares Himself to a devoted parent in Scripture.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15, NIV)

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” (Psalm 103:13, NIV)

When God gave the Big Ten for His people to live by, He included this one as the fifth commandment:

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12, NIV)

To honor one’s father and mother is to express respect, obedience, and gratitude to them. Since parents represent divine authority in the home, the way a child relates to their parents is a reliable indicator of how they will relate to God. A father, in particular, tends to have a powerful influence on how children view God the Father. A mother’s influence is equally important, but is usually impactful in different ways.

Many adults can testify how their father dramatically shaped the way they imagined God. Some even struggle with the very concept that God is called “Father.” I would argue this extends beyond individual families. Societies that have a low view of fathers will also have a low view of God.

Paul Vitz has argued that there is a direct correlation between atheism and growing up with an absentee or abusive father. In his book, Faith of the Fatherless, Vitz turns Freud’s “projection theory” of religion on its head, showing that it is actually having a “defective father” that often predisposes one to atheism.[1]

The Child’s Calling to Obey Parents

So what does it mean to honor one’s parents? First and foremost, it means children are to obey their parents. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1, NIV). Children must be taught to recognize their parents are their God-given authority.

Some think of “authority” as a bad word, but when it describes the authoritative structures that fill out God’s design for the human race, it is most certainly a good authority. If we never respect our parents’ authority, there is little chance we will respect any authority.

It is significant that God has vested parents, not government, with the responsibility of raising children. Kevin DeYoung remarks, “It is no wonder that when totalitarian regimes throughout history have tried to exert control over people, one of the chief mechanisms by which they’ve done so is severing that attachment to the family – making allegiance to the state the building block of society rather than the honoring of parents.”[2] It’s not an overstatement to say that if you want to destroy a nation, step one is to destroy the family by subverting the authority of parents.

But it is to parents that God says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, NKJV). You can’t very well learn character traits like honesty and self-control without someone modeling that in flesh and blood in the home.

Unfortunately, it’s become all too common for this basic authority of parents in the home to be scoffed and sneered at. Many parents casually talk about teenagers going through the “rebellious years.” The cover of one magazine for teenage girls asked, “Do you really hate your parents? Like, who doesn’t?” The magazine then offered advice on how to deal with the “detestables.” All you have to do is consult what the Law of God said about what to do with “rebellious teens,” and you’ll have an idea of how much God despises such an attitude (Deuteronomy 21:18-21; Leviticus 20:9).

When Edward, Duke of Windsor, was asked what caught his attention about the United States, he curtly replied, “The way parents obey their children.”  

The Book of Proverbs has the format of a father teaching his son the basic wisdom for living a righteous life in God’s world. There is a wealth of wisdom to be gleaned from this book. The son is taught to be hard-working, honest in all his dealings, and mindful of how he uses his tongue. Undergirding all this wisdom is a fundamental fear or reverence for God and respect for parents as the two greatest authorities in one’s life (Proverbs 1:7-8; 6:20; 9:10).

“A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.” (Proverbs 13:1, ESV)

The same basic principle of the fifth commandment is borne out in a hundred different contexts in Proverbs. The basic teaching is that when you live by wisdom, you honor your parents, and “your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12, ESV).

While we should honor our parents simply because God commands us to do so, I love that God is willing to unfold for us all the ways that life will be blessed through honoring parents. In other words, when you honor your father and mother, life will generally go well for you! You can expect to live a full life and have the kind of character people want to be around (Proverbs 2:21-22; 3:1-2; 9:11; 10:27; 11:12; 13:3, 15; 15:18).

God Wants Me to Honor Them?

In some instances, honoring one’s parents may seem like a terrible idea. Many have only dark memories of their father or mother, and the pain has left an emotional hole in their heart. The last thing their parents deserve is honor, they think. And there is an important sense in which they are absolutely right.

I recently heard about a young woman whose father was an alcoholic throughout her life. There was very little commendable about his character. At her wedding ceremony, her father arrived drunk. Seeing him behave so thoughtlessly on this day of days pained the young woman, but she consciously chose to forgive him in the moment.

Yes, sometimes the best way we can honor our parents is to forgive them for the ways they have wronged us. In no way do I want to minimize the pain a parent may have caused you. I think of the daughter who clings tightly to the grudge against her abusive father, or of the son who can only recall the way his mother ran him down with relentless criticism. But true healing can happen when you forgive those who have hurt you the most. Nothing can change what happened, but you can decide to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who forgave even those who were mocking Him while He hung from the cross (Luke 23:34). If you don’t have a relationship with your mom or dad, I would urge you to do all you can to reconnect with them.

We are called to honor our parents, not because of how well they did or did not raise us, but because the God-ordained roles of father and mother are intrinsically honorable. If children never honored their parents and only rebelled, our world would be much darker than it already is. Your parents may not deserve honor, but honor is still due them. That’s why the fifth commandment plainly says, “Honor your father and mother.” Period. There is no exception clause like “but only if they live honorably.”

What about those who want a relationship with their father or mother, but the parent has closed off all communication? God wants us to know that He will be the Father we need if our earthly parents abandoned us. “For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in” (Psalm 27:10, ESV).

Ultimately, God is the Father and the church is the family we all most need. But God promises us greater fulfillment in life when we learn to honor our parents.

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[1] Paul Vitz, Faith of the Fatherless. To be clear, Vitz does not argue that someone is psychologically determined to reject God. Each one of us is responsible for the decisions we make, to follow or reject God, but his argument is that there are psychological factors that frequently contribute to atheism.

[2] Kevin DeYoung, The Ten Commandments, 81.

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