In our busy, technology-saturated, and fast-paced 21st century world, we need clarity on what to prioritize in life. Sometimes, we have to say “No” to good things that are simply not the best things for the moment. When we let God set our priorities, we see from Scripture that God expects us to prioritize our family relationships, and if you are married, the marriage relationship must rank first.
A great place to glean wisdom on family systems and relationships is the timeless book of Proverbs. In Proverbs 31, we learn about the quintessential hard-working woman and how her kids call her blessed and her husband praises her.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:28-29, NIV)
How are you doing at praising your spouse? Words have power. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” says Proverbs 18:21. And in chapter 31, the author, King Lemuel (Proverbs 31:1), discusses not only how amazing this particular woman is (possibly his wife), but also that her husband praises her. The husband does not take his wife for granted. He recognizes all that she is and all she’s done, and he’s saying to his wife, “You know, you really are an amazing woman.”
Author Gary Chapman calls this “words of affirmation.” It is something that can easily slip off the radar for a married couple, but it’s essential for a thriving relationship. Both men and women need to hear words of affirmation from others, but when you’re married, your spouse’s words carry the most weight. Because the couple lives together and they see one another’s flaws unlike anyone else, a spouse’s heartfelt praise carries tremendous power.
A wife needs to hear how much her husband adores her. A husband needs to know that his wife values and respects him. And if you want to strengthen your marriage, there’s no better place to start than building one another up with words. A wife needs to hear her husband say things like, “Sure, there are many amazing women out there, but you stand out above the rest. I only have eyes for you!”
Some men respond, “I don’t know how to praise my wife… I’m not a words guy.” That is something we call a lame excuse. If you don’t know how to do something, you’re not off the hook. Put in a little effort. Watch your wife’s favorite movies with her, and you’ll figure out what she likes to hear. Or better yet, just be more observant of her and simply express some appreciation. But don’t make excuses for not building up your wife with words.
I once heard a husband refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain.” I’m guessing that their intimacy level is not red hot.
In the same way, wives, your words have tremendous power to build up and encourage your husband. Your words will either build him up in the best possible way or they will tear him down in the worst way. Your husband needs to hear words of affirmation and affection from you, too. He needs to know you respect and value his leadership in the marriage.
But since husbands are called to be leaders, you husbands should be leading the way in this practice. Speak life into her when she wakes up. At night, let her know what she means to you. Praise her at the dinner table in front of kids or grandkids. Leave a love note on the bathroom mirror. Make a point of telling her just how grateful you are.
Your words have tremendous power to either build up or tear down your spouse.
So many marriages would be improved if husbands and wives committed to letting one another know just how much they appreciate each other for all they do. This is important.
All married people recognize they are married to an imperfect person. And that’s exactly why you need to bring Jesus into every aspect of your marriage. Because if you have two imperfect people committing to do life together for the rest of their days, you should expect the need for a lot of grace and a lot of forgiveness going both ways.
But when you bring Jesus into your marriage, you have two imperfect people and one perfect God. And He can redeem your marriage. He can change the way your marriage looks. He can make it into a living display of His covenant love for us. That’s a supernatural thing. And God can do it when you commit your marriage to Him.
Have thoughts on this post? I’d love to hear from you!
Marriage is central to the storyline of the Bible. From its earliest chapters, we see that God created the man and the woman for each other and told them to “Be fruitful and multiply.” The marital union of two becoming one flesh has been there from the beginning, and it has a special purpose in God’s world.
The story of the Bible both begins and ends with wedding imagery (Genesis 2:22-25; Revelation 21:1-5). Marriage is God’s living illustration for His covenantal union with His people, which will one day be fully realized in a restored creation when Heaven and Earth unite.
So, no matter what pops into your mind when you hear the word “marriage,” the first thing to know is that God invented it.
“Then the Lord God made a woman... and he brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:22, NIV)
This has some important implications. If marriage is God’s idea, then that means romantic love is His idea, too.
Every Good Gift
That first spark of interest a boy has for the cute girl that sits across the classroom. The feeling you get when your song comes on the radio. The dinner by candlelight in that perfect setting. The couple that has been married for 50 years taking a walk, hand in hand. The electricity of a first kiss. The love note that a wife puts in her husband’s lunchbox. All of that is part of God’s grand design. God is a romantic. If you doubt me, I encourage you to take up and read the biblical book Song of Solomon.
You may be thinking, “Okay, Jason. It seems like you’ve got rose-tinted glasses on. Don’t forget marriage can also be pretty hard.”
True. But it’s important to begin here when we think about romance, because all that is good about marriage, romantic affection, and sexual intimacy comes first and foremost from God.
Many today bemoan God’s restrictions on sex and marriage laid out in the Bible. But what they don’t realize is that everything that makes those romantic moments in life beautiful, good, and right comes from God.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17, NIV)
Without God, all the joy and excitement of romance is reduced to random neurochemical reactions. Modern progressives like to claim that monogamy is drab and boring. Don’t buy that lie! You know what really takes the magic out of romance? Imagining there is no God behind it all.
Fit for One Another
If we’re going to get marriage right, we need to go back to the beginning when God first created man and woman.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18, ESV)
Don’t think that this term “helper” is meant to be demeaning. This is not code for “man’s servant for cooking and cleaning.” The point here is that the man needs help. He can’t take care of God’s world without her. More than anyone else, this very word “helper” is used of God in Scripture. But the Bible says God created woman with the intention of finding the right fit for man.
In God’s design for marriage, one man and one woman complement each other perfectly. Men and women are equally valuable, but different. There is a fittedness between a man and a woman that you can’t find in any other combination.
After God parades all the animals before Adam, Adam recognizes nobody here is a good fit. Not that kangaroo. Not that horse. Definitely not that hippo! Nothing from the animal kingdom matches and complements him perfectly.
No matter how many times you’ve read this passage before, I encourage you to ponder what is said here:
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:21-25, ESV)
Before there was any sin in the world, this is what marriage looked like. The perfect combination of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. This was God’s design and intention. So, no matter what you think of marriage, you can’t fault the design. You cannot improve on God’s design.
Be Intoxicated with Her Love
So, when you think of God, think of Him as the One who invented the beauty of marriage and designed our bodies with the special fit of a man for a woman. The joy of a wedding ceremony is just a slice of the great joy God has over marriage itself.
Because marriage is something God thought up, we don’t get to change it. And because it is from Him, we can know it is an intrinsically good institution.
In our bizarro world, people (especially young people) often assume that getting married will take all the romance out of the relationship. As if, committing to one another in a one-flesh covenantal union will kill the embers of love. But in God’s economy, it is in marriage that the fire of romance should finally be stoked.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19, NIV)
According to the Bible, marriage is a covenant not merely between husband and wife, but one that includes God, too (Proverbs 2:17). It is God that joins the two together, and thus God blesses the marriage union. As if he was making a toast at a wedding, the author Solomon says to his son, “May you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
However—and this is important—only those who honor this covenant get to experience its greatest blessings. When people dishonor marriage, let me assure you, it will eventually come back around to bite them.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of heeding these loving warnings from God:
“Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? For your ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all your paths. The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. For lack of discipline they will die, led astray by their own great folly.” (Proverbs 5:20-23, NIV)
When people toy with their marriage vows, it is like taking a pile of burning wood on to your lap or walking across hot coals, hoping not to be burned (Proverbs 6:27).
People may say things like, “The Bible is an outmoded text. Marriage can be a relationship for any two people who truly love each other and are committed to one another.”
But why say only two people? And what about if those two people are already in the same family? And why say they must love each other? What if they have other reasons for getting married? And why does it matter that they are committed exclusively to one another?
As it turns out, everyone has restrictions on what they think marriage should be. Elton John jokingly drew the line at goats when someone pressed him.[1]
Honoring Your Spouse Is Honoring Marriage
Unless you get your definition of marriage from Genesis, marriage becomes this elastic thing that you can shape any way you want. And when we shake off God’s definition and trade it in for our own man-made definition, we cheapen and dishonor marriage. It is no longer the sacred thing God intended it to be.
Even secular psychologists understand marriage is worth protecting.
Marriage expert John Gottman writes, “One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late.”[2]
Gottman goes on to tell us all the incredible psychological and health benefits that come from taking your marriage seriously. And one of the most important ways to protect your marriage is to pursue your spouse romantically (husbands, I’m especially talking to you here).
Pay attention to her (or his) needs. Listen well. Make time for date night. Look for activities you can share together. Go out of your way to make sure your spouse feels valued simply for who she (or he) is.
You may have been told that Christians are just as likely to get divorced as non-Christians. However, that hasty conclusion was based on flawed research, because it was based on people just taking the label “Christian,” without any inquiry into whether subjects actually lived a life committed to Jesus Christ. New research done by Brad Wilcox found something very different. Wilcox discovered that committed Christian couples—which he defined as those who regularly attend worship together and read their Bibles regularly—are much less likely to get divorced.
Not only are committed Christians more likely to stay married, but they report greater satisfaction in their marriages. Wilcox concluded, “It turns out that the happiest of all wives in America are religious conservatives… Fully 73 percent of wives who hold conservative gender values and attend religious services regularly with their husbands have high-quality marriages.” Another study found that “When it comes to relationship quality in heterosexual relationships, highly religious couples enjoy higher-quality relationships and more sexual satisfaction, compared to less/mixed religious couples and secular couples.”[3]
Nancy Pearcey adds, “Churchgoing men are also less likely to cheat on their wives. Research has consistently shown that religious attendance is the most important predictor of marital stability.”
In other words, even sociological research shows that when men love Jesus, love the Bible, and take their families to church, the marriage tends to do better. And when marriages are stronger, families are stronger, children have better well-being, society flourishes, nations are stabilized, and God is honored.
So, no matter how you may feel on any given day about marriage, I encourage you to see the value of upholding the sacred beauty of the marriage covenant and of loving your spouse as the sacred image bearer he or she is.
Thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!
[1] In context, Elton John said, “There’s nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex. Who cares! I just think people should be very free with sex… They should draw the line at goats.” Rolling Stone magazine ran this interview with Elton John as its cover story on October 7, 1976.
[2] John Gottman, 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, 5.
[3] Brad Wilcox, Jason Carroll, and Laurie DeRose, “Religious Men Can Be Devoted Dads, Too,” New York Times, May 18, 2018; Jeffrey Dew and Brian Willoughby, “Are Religious Faith and Sexual Satisfaction Mutually Exclusive–or Surprisingly Mutual?,” Institute for Family Studies, May 16, 2019.
Lamp and Light 