Tag: relationships

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment
Photo Credit: Whitney Smith

In his book, Christian Living in the Home, Christian psychologist Jay Adams describes a time a marriage counselor sat down with a couple. Throughout their discussion, the counselor noticed how the husband shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The wife, on the other hand, sat with arms crossed in defiance. She slapped down a sheet of paper on the counselor’s desk. “There is why I’m getting an ulcer.”

Listed on the sheet was every wrong the husband had committed in the last 13 years, complete with supporting details. The counselor was taken aback, and the husband seemed to shrink in his seat. The counselor’s eyes rose to meet the woman’s. “It’s been a long time,” he said, “since I have met anyone as resentful as you.” The wife was speechless, and the husband sat up a little.

The counselor continued, “This is not only a record of what your husband has done to you [incidentally, subsequent sessions showed that it was a very accurate record], it is also a record of what you have done about it. This is a record of your sin against him, your sin against God, and your sin against your own body.”

This woman was directly opposing what we read in 1 Corinthians 13:

“Love… keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV)

Every relationship requires good communication to remain healthy, but in many cases, a husband and wife can’t communicate well because an icy wall of resentment has been built up between them. Until they deal with harbored resentment, the relationship will continue to suffer.

Every time you recount the wrongs of another, you are violating the principle of love.

We do this in various ways. We may not vocalize all the ways we’ve been wronged, but whenever a certain person pops into our mind, we silently rehearse all the ways they’ve let us down. We are experts at nursing grudges. We remind ourselves why we have the moral high ground and why certain people don’t deserve our kindness or affection.

God tells us to “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26), because He knows about the destructive tendency of being dominated by anger and resentment. And, yes, it can even cause ulcers when we allow rage to seethe beneath the surface.

Greeting with a Holy Kiss

Many have wondered about the contemporary significance of Paul’s plea to the churches to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” (1 Corinthians 16:20). In the first century context, it was a perfectly normal practice to plant a kiss on the cheek of a family member or close friend. Because the church is truly a family,[1] it only made sense for Christians to greet each other in this warm and accepting way. Many cultures still practice this today.

In my American context, a handshake or warm embrace conveys the same message: “You are welcome here.” If this was a normal practice, why did Paul have to urge the churches to do this? Because he knew how hostility can grow even between followers of Jesus, and he saw how out of place this was.

When you are holding a grudge against someone, it’s very hard to want to go up and hug them. The wall between two bitter people might be invisible, but you can sense the tension through their body language, physical distance, and avoidance of eye contact. The rift in the relationship makes physical contact—especially a warm embrace—seem impossible.

So, to urge believers to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” was a reminder to lay aside differences, forgive those who have wronged you, and reconcile when possible.

I have sometimes thought about the first time the letter to the Philippians was read aloud as the whole church gathered. In that letter, Paul suddenly calls out two women by name: “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord” (Philippians 4:2, NIV). This may have been a church of around 100 people where everyone knows each other. These two women apparently had a disagreement, and it was such a disagreement that even Paul heard about it while in jail over 600 miles away. I imagine them sheepishly looking up at each other as their names are mentioned.

Frankly, it’s a little comforting to know that Christians had disputes and disagreements even in Paul’s day. I don’t know if Euodia and Syntyche’s disagreement was over the color of the carpet or the size of the baptistry or the type of music that was sung. Who knows? Christians can get caught up in disagreements about all kinds of things! Paul, like a gentle father, reminds them both to work for the unity they share in the gospel.

Paul is not belittling them by calling them out here. More likely, these are a couple of very prominent women in the church who hold a lot of influence, and he wants them—in fact, he’s pleading with them—to not let their argument get blown out of proportion. He also mentions they are counted among those “whose names are in the book of life” (v. 3). He’s saying, “Remember, ladies, you are daughters of the King, and your names are written with permanent ink in the Book of Life.”

According to Revelation 21:7, the Book of Life is the massive book that will be opened for all to see on the Day of Judgment listing the names of everyone who will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Seeing disagreements through the lens of eternity helps to put things in perspective. Never forget that the very Christian you are now resenting will be with you in Heaven, too.

Complacent about Conflict?

Have you ever been part of an argument that seemed to take on a life of its own? By the end of the debate, both you and whoever you were sparring with are left huffing and puffing and neither of you can remember why you were fighting in the first place. Sadly, many marriages end or are damaged over pointless arguments that get out of hand. God calls husbands and wives to reconcile when there is a difference. Again, Scripture says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26) because Satan will try to use any and every dispute to split Christians apart. And he especially comes after marriage because it’s the most intimate human relationship. Perhaps you’ve heard this old poem:

To live above with the saints we love,
Oh, that will be glory,
But to live below with the saints we know,
Well, that’s another story.

We should not be complacent when we have conflict with other Christians. It’s not something to just “be okay” with or just ignore. Relational conflicts are like a slow leak in a dam that can drain the life out of you if you try to ignore them. God wants us to be honest with one another, and to reconcile and forgive when we have differences. I’ve spoken with some people who had a conflict with someone in a church, and because of that single conflict they’ve been bitterly holding a grudge for years. That’s not healthy for anyone—not for the church and not for yourself.

But the most important reason we must seek reconciliation is that it glorifies God. Bitterness should have no place among believers, because when we hold a grudge, our actions preach an anti-gospel. How can a church proclaim a message of reconciliation that would attract the world, if such a church is marred by bitterness, hostility, and division?

If you have a conflict with someone, don’t let it fester. Make every effort to reconcile with that person.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18, ESV)

Paul knows that many times, we find ourselves in pointless arguments and disputes when we are under stress. If we are fretting and anxious about the future or things that aren’t going well, it doesn’t take much for us to snap. Even the branches of a mighty oak will snap under enough pressure.

So, Paul says what we need to do: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). Now, we’ve got to remember where Paul was writing this . He wasn’t sitting in a Roman bath or sipping on an espresso at Café Roma. He was writing by candlelight in a dark jail cell in Rome. He was not writing this as someone unfamiliar with stressful and difficult situations. The best way to deal with relational conflict is to remember how Jesus dealt with our record of wrongs.

What Jesus Did with Our Record

For the follower of Christ, the gospel informs every relationship. We can’t understand love without considering how Jesus has loved us. We won’t be motivated to reconcile with others until we recognize that the gospel is a message of reconciliation. We can’t begin to forgive those who have wronged us until we remember how much we have been forgiven.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

Every single one of us has wronged Jesus more times than we could possibly remember. As God, our sin is first and foremost against Him. But did Jesus hold our sin over us? Did He stand afar with arms crossed, or did He draw near with arms extended? Relish these words:

“He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 3:13-14, NIV)

Jesus held that record of wrongs and, instead of hitting us over the head with it, He lovingly allowed the nails to be driven through that record and into His hands. Let’s remember how much we have been forgiven. And then go and do likewise. Reconciliation between believers should be priority number one, because love keeps no record of wrongs.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] God is our Father, and we are called brothers and sisters.

The Complex Emotion of Anger

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment

Uh-oh. There’s that feeling again. It’s like a deep tremor welling up inside. A volcano with growing subterranean pressure. We all know what it’s like to experience the heat of anger. At times, it’s directed at a situation, but more often anger is directed at a person, usually someone you know well. At other times, you are on the receiving end—the volcano is erupting on you!

Anger can wreck friendships and send marriages spiraling into a tailspin. At its worst, it can lead to abuse and tragedy. If left unchecked, anger can be the most destructive human emotion. The Bible gives clear warnings about anger:

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.” (Psalm 37:8, NIV)

Nearly everywhere you look, you can find areas where anger is harming our society. Just consider the problem of road rage. According to a recent study, “More than 1,000 people in the U.S. die each year in road rage incidents.”[1] In their book Anger Kills, authors Redford and Virginia Williams found that those who are prone to angry outbursts are more likely to have coronary heart disease.[2] No wonder the Bible says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11, ESV).

So how do we rightly deal with this volatile emotion?

Admit You Are Angry

If we are going to make any progress in dealing with our anger, we have to be willing to first admit when we are angry. People like to say, “I gave her a piece of my mind” or “I guess I lost my cool there.” But what they really mean is “I was angry.” Maybe you’ve heard the remark: “I don’t get mad, but I do get even.”

Most often, we Christians struggle to admit we are angry because we have been taught that anger is a sin. And certainly, there are more than a few warnings about anger in the Bible. “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22, BSB). But I would argue that passages like this speak of misdirected and uncontrolled anger. The Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV).

Anger is not a monochrome emotion that we can so easily file away in the “sin” category. As David Powlison said, anger “is a complex human response to a complex world.”[3] After all, God expresses anger at sin.[4] Throughout Scripture, we read of God’s wrath or righteous indignation in response to injustice, idolatry, and sinful distortions of His good design for humanity.

Jesus Christ, known for His meekness and gentleness, expressed anger many times in the Gospels too – usually in response to self-righteous hypocrisy.[5]

On one occasion, the religious elite demonstrated more concern for catching Jesus in their legalistic trap than for the plight of a man with a withered hand. Their cold-hearted callousness toward real suffering made Jesus hot with righteous anger. He “looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart” (Mark 3:5, ESV).

Anger is the natural human response to evil and injustice. It is the heart crying out, This is wrong. So we should not be reticent to admit when we feel angry. Owning our anger will allow us to rightly deal with it.

Restrain Your Immediate Response

While anger can be the natural human response to wrongdoing, that doesn’t mean it’s always expressed in a good way. In fact, because of our sin nature, our tendency is to express anger in an ungodly or self-centered way, rather than in a godly way like Jesus. The Book of James reminds us about the importance of hitting the brakes to “slow down” when we feel that first surge of anger.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20, ESV)

Consider this scenario. A teenager “borrows” his dad’s Ford Mustang without asking in order to impress a girl and brings it back with an ugly scrape across the door. When his father discovers what happened, what’s his initial response? He’s angry. Very likely, this man will want to fly into a rage, lashing out at his son for his reckless and irresponsible behavior. What his son did was wrong. So to feel anger is only natural, but James would warn this man to hit the brakes. Because a knee-jerk response in anger is almost always destructive.

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” (Proverbs 14:29, NLT)

You may be thinking, Sure, controlling my anger is a great idea. Easier said than done. It’s true that stopping yourself in the moment might not be easy. Ultimately, patience, gentleness, and self-control are produced by the Holy Spirit, not something we can achieve through mere human effort.

However, with God’s help we can learn to respond in the moment in a way that honors Him. Practically speaking, this might mean stepping away temporarily when you start to feel your blood boil. Marriage expert Gary Chapman recommends a husband and wife learn to “call timeout” when emotions begin to surge.[6] This means giving each other space for a brief time, so that both can come back to discuss the matter calmly without having said or done something they regret. Sometimes a walk around the block is enough time to cool the temperatures so that feelings aren’t hurt and a peaceful compromise is reached.

Identify the Cause of Your Anger

We’ve all heard stories of school shootings or homicides that didn’t seem to add up. People say things like “He seemed like such a nice guy” and “I never saw it coming.” No doubt this is in large part because people are good at wearing “nice” on the outside even while unaddressed anger is quietly brewing inside.

While such examples may sound extreme, they simply demonstrate what can happen when anger is not confronted. I’ve talked to several people who have admitted that mistreatment, neglect, or a lack of love in their home growing up planted deep seeds of anger. The long-term effect may even be ignored or downplayed for a time. But because the hurt is still there, they are sometimes shocked by their own angry and emotional outbursts.

For others, it is the deep wounds of a past relationship that planted those seeds of anger. They know it’s there, but they can’t help grieving over the pain of the past. And sometimes that grief mingles into bitterness and hatred.

Neil T. Anderson, who has helped countless people deal with deep-seated anger, said, “Whenever we are asked to help someone who has a root of bitterness, the source of the problem has always been unforgiveness.”[7]

It’s no surprise that right after Paul tells the Ephesians, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger,” he says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV).

The reality is that we all experience anger. I am certainly not exempt from this emotion. We may say, “I’m just strong-willed,” but that might mean we have a fear of being proven wrong. Or we may say, “I just care deeply about the truth,” but oftentimes there’s some insecurity just below the surface.

We are all broken people. But God is in the business of putting broken people back together. By His Spirit and His grace, we can find fresh joy in the Lord. We can experience the peace that He alone gives. But if we don’t deal with the roots of our anger, anger will continue to get the better of us.

Through the Spirit, Paul told the Ephesians, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV). In other words, anger is not always sinful. However, it does no good to dwell on your anger. Or, better said, to let anger dwell in you.

Surrender Your Anger to God

Once we have admitted we feel angry, the first and most important thing to do is surrender it to God. Put that rage, animosity, and ill-feelings toward someone else in God’s hands. It’s a burden He can handle, and He wants to take it off your shoulders.

Again, we often have good reasons for feeling angry. That’s not what is sinful. But harboring and nursing anger leads to a warfare mindset rather than a peace-making mindset. And what we really want is to see the wrongs made right. So who better to entrust your anger to than the God of righteousness and justice?

Remember, God cares more about the wrongs done against you than you do.

“The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 145:17, NIV)

The Lord is more passionate about justice than you or me. So let’s put our case in His hands. He will do what is right, but with perfect authority and timing.

That’s what Jesus did. “When He was reviled, He did not revile in return” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV). When He was mocked, beaten, and mistreated in the most appalling and shameful ways imaginable, Jesus “continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV).

Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, but Jesus called him His “friend.”[8] His own disciples scattered when Jesus was arrested and killed. But after His resurrection, the Lord graciously approached those same guys who had abandoned Him. He even embraced the one who had previously denied ever knowing Him.

Jesus had every right to be furious for the way He, the spotless Lamb, was being treated, but He surrendered all His righteous anger to His Father in Heaven. And ultimately that’s what you and I are called to do in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] “Boiling Point” presented at the Mental Health Action Week, 2008, Mental Health Organization.

[2] Redford and Virginia Williams, Anger Kills.

[3] David Powlison, Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness, Kindle edition.

[4] Psalm 7:11.

[5] For example, see Matthew 23.

[6] Gary Chapman, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way.

[7] Neil T. Anderson and Rich Miller, Managing Your Anger, 152.

[8] Matthew 27:50.

Spirit-Empowered Relationships

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment

By Jason Smith

Photo from Shutterstock
"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:3)

Several years ago, a friend of mine told me about how another friend had betrayed his confidence by sharing sensitive information with others. Apparently, this person had even made light of something that had caused my friend a great deal of pain. This caused a rift in their relationship that wasn’t quickly healed.

Former NFL defensive linemen and motivational speaker Joe Ehrmann has talked about how men who are constantly competing and comparing themselves to others can end up feeling very isolated. And with the rise of social media, “friend” has become a verb, but studies have pointed out that it’s becoming increasingly common for men over 30 to have no authentic friends.[1]  

Friendships are precious things. Sadly, most of us don’t take stock of how incredibly valuable genuine friendships are to our overall well-being. However, friendships are also very fragile. They can break if we aren’t careful with them. As my friend Jamie has put it, “The thing about relationships is that my brokenness inevitably bumps up against your brokenness.” You don’t have to live long before you realize that people will let you down. Imperfect people are just that – imperfect. So we need help in our relationships.

The Primary Cause of Relational Conflict

Very often, when a married couple is having issues one spouse will point out all the ways that the other spouse is failing them. The problem, it is said, is that their spouse is too selfish. Of course, what such a person often ignores is that their spouse is usually saying the same thing. Both spouses believe the other is being selfish!

The Bible actually agrees that this is the primary cause of relational conflicts. The problem in each of our hearts is this desire to have our own way. This desire is at the root of every conflict from the minor quarrel to the violent attack.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.” (James 4:1-2, NIV)

If relational conflict stems from the desires battling within, then we have to ask ourselves, “How can I change in this area of relationships?” We all know intuitively that humble and selfless people tend to have more fruitful and thriving relationships. Their personalities are so attractive because they are not so self-consumed.

The good news is that Jesus has not left us alone to navigate the rough terrain of human relationships.

Love: The Missing Ingredient

We talk a lot about love in our culture, but I often wonder if we really know what it is. Love isn’t merely an emotion or feelings of attraction. It is a conscious act of the will, where we go out and meet the needs of others. When God loved us, the Bible said that He showed it, not by merely talking about warm feelings, but by meeting our greatest need through real sacrifice, as when Jesus went to the cross.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10, NIV)

Jesus called His followers to love one another. This kind of love needed to be visible and show up in how we treat one another. It’s what would draw the world to His message of forgiveness. When we as Christians fail to love one another, we are acting no better than the world and implying that we have nothing better to offer.

But gritting our teeth and trying with all our might to work up love in our hearts will never work. It’s something that the Spirit of God has to work in your life. “The fruit of the Spirit is love” (Galatians 5:22).

So How Do I Change?

I have a tan sweater hanging in my closet that I really like. I have worn it on many occasions. I even wore it on several dates when my wife, Whitney, and I just started dating. I have many fond memories while wearing that sweater.

There’s just one problem. Whitney thinks it looks atrocious on me – something about it clashing with my skin tone. She’s had to remind me of this fact on numerous occasions. It’s in my closet right now, but she would rather I get rid of it. For some reason, I just have trouble parting with that beloved sweater.

Why do I bring this up? Because taking off and putting on clothing is the metaphor the Apostle Paul uses when he describes how we change in our relationships in Colossians 3:

“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” (Colossians 3:8-10, NIV)

Notice Paul says our old habits of relational dysfunction (anger, malice, slander, and filthy language) belong to our old self. And he doesn’t say, “You need to take the old self off.” He says, “You already have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self.” In other places, we learn that our old self “died” and has been “crucified with Christ” (Romans 6:6-8; Galatians 2:20). When you come to Christ, you are given a whole new identity – a “new self.” Or to keep in step with Paul’s clothing metaphor, we don’t just need to get our old clothing resized or patched up. We need a whole new set of clothing, which is really the righteousness of Christ.

“I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation.” (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)

To go back to behaving like our “old self” in our relationships is to contradict the change that has taken place in us. It’s like me putting on that old sweater that shouldn’t even be in my closet. Instead, we need to embrace the new clothing meant to replace the old ones.

But Paul’s point is that this can only happen through saturating our hearts and minds with the gospel and letting “the peace of Christ rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15-16). The God of love comes inside so that we can extend that love to others.

The Spirit Makes the Difference

It’s not that we need to produce this love in our hearts by our own willpower. Instead, we need to yield to what Christ is already doing in us by the Holy Spirit. Many people look for evidence of the Holy Spirit chiefly in external signs, but the most definitive evidence of the Holy Spirit’s power is a radically transformed character. In other words, you know the Holy Spirit is dwelling within you if your life starts to match Paul’s description.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

Again, notice this is all about our relationships with others: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. As forgiven people, we are now empowered to forgive those who wrong us. Paul says, “Because you are God’s chosen people, holy, and loved, you need to dress like it.” Christians need to adorn themselves with the traits that match who they really are now. We need to be on Earth who we already are in Heaven.[2] When we do that, our relationships will take on a radically different shape.

The final overcoat that binds these all together is love (v. 14). When we are yielding to the Holy Spirit and His power, love will be the hallmark our lives. We will care more about the unity that glorifies God than satisfying our own self-centered desires. And differing personal preferences and opinions won’t have to divide followers of the same Lord.[3] Spirit-empowered relationships make unity in the church possible. They are also what will draw those outside the church to Jesus Christ.

[1] See Mark Gaisford, “Why do many middle-aged men like me have absolutely NO FRIENDS – and what toll does it take on our health?” The Daily Mail. ; https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-friendship-crisis_l_5dbc9aa7e4b0576b62a1e90f ; https://www.menshealth.com/uk/mental-strength/a759609/the-truth-about-male-loneliness/

[2] See Colossians 3:1-4.

[3] See Ephesians 4:1-6.

Wired for Community

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life2 Comments
Photo by FreePik

From the moment we emerge from our mother’s womb, we crave closeness and connection. New mothers are encouraged to practice skin-to-skin contact to bond with their babies. Have you ever wondered why a baby’s head smells so good? It’s because God designed their scent glands to secrete pheromones which actually make their perspiration smell sweet.[1] Everything about our physiology seems to point to this need for community. Through eye contact, we connect. Through a hug, we comfort. Through body language, we convey emotions.

Humans naturally long to be with other humans. When we are left in isolation, we quite literally start to go insane. Just watch the film Castaway, where Tom Hanks’ character is stranded on a desert island and forced to befriend a volleyball named “Wilson.” Sure, there are days where we tell ourselves, “Life would be great, if it weren’t for other people.” But like it or not, at the end of the day, we crave human contact.

This has everything to do with how God originally wired us. We were created in the image of a personal God of community. He has eternally existed as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In other words, God is by nature a God of relationships. That’s why God said “it is not good that the man should be alone” when He made us to reflect His nature (Genesis 2:18). From the very beginning, we were wired for community!

Many today will ask the question, “Why should I bother with the church anyway?” Perhaps, you can relate to this question. Maybe you were hurt by others in a church, and you feel church is not worth the effort or the risk of being hurt again. After all, they reason, I can have a relationship with God without being part of a church.

It’s this sentiment that has led to the mantra we often hear: “I’m spiritual, but not religious.” Although I have an idea of where this statement comes from, that response has always somewhat bothered me. There seems to be a whole bundle of worldview assumptions buried in that simple declaration. The worst part about this is that it seems to draw a solid black line between that which is spiritual and that which is religious (or even church-related). Such a dichotomy seems to fly in the face of so much of what I know personally and what I see in Scripture.

Is it true that we can have a relationship with God without being involved in a church? The answer, according to Scripture, is that at the moment we come to Jesus Christ in repentant faith, we are indeed reconciled to our Creator. We don’t need the church or a leader in the church to establish our conversion; that’s something God alone can accomplish. So the answer to the question above is “yes,” but it is a qualified “yes.”

Here’s what I mean. To be in a relationship with someone implies that you are living with that person — not merely speaking to that person, but also listening to that person. And God, in His Word, has a lot to say about the great importance of regularly gathering with a local church.

For example: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:24-25, NIV). So, for the Christian, “meeting together” should be a regular, consistent part of our life. In fact, the emphasis on “encouraging one another,” implies that we will benefit spiritually as we meet together in the context of the local church.

In the past year, with the spread of COVID-19, this has taken a different shape for many who cannot meet for various reasons. Either way, meeting together should be the norm for the church – barring exceptional circumstances. In this past year, many have found ways to “meet” or interact online. Would Paul have this in mind as a form of gathering? Since he lived in the first century, not the twenty-first, the answer is clearly “No.”

Technology has its limitations, and I don’t think it’s an ideal permanent substitution for the vast majority of Christians who can meet together. But even if it’s not the ideal, at least it allows believers to study God’s Word together, pray for each other’s needs, and talk with one another. Several people have told me how grateful they are that our church has online options available; otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to participate in church life at all. I know what it’s like to be encouraged when talking with Christian brothers and sisters on Skype who are halfway around the world. Sure, the fellowship is not as sweet as when we meet in person, but I can still say I’m thankful for the connections that technology gives us. Overall, the in-person gathering is certainly the ideal the church should strive for because there’s a certain level of fellowship or community that technology can’t achieve.

And since definitions are important, by “church” I do not mean that brick building with stained glass windows. The Greek word we translate as “church,” ekklesia, simply means “a gathering or assembly of people.”[2] However, in the Christian sense, it refers to a “gathering of believers in Jesus Christ.”

Too often, men today can think of true manhood as being this solitary, John Wayne-like individual who has no need for friendships. It’s as if being alone and independent of others is the epitome of manliness. But that’s not true! Our Creator says, “It’s not good for the man to be alone.”

In the words of the theologian-poet, John Donne: “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

Not only is perpetual isolation unfulfilling, it is also unwise. It can often reveal a stubborn unwillingness to listen to the counsel of others. Proverbs 18:1 says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

Here’s how this can work out. In our pride, we can think, “Of course I know what’s best for me. I don’t need to listen to anyone else.” What about when others are counseling you not to go down a road in life they consider unwise or dangerous? They can easily be ignored, because you don’t consider yourself in community with them. Proverbs says that when you isolate yourself from others who can speak wisdom into your life, you are raging against sound judgment. You are actively choosing the way of destruction.

God calls believers to live in community with other believers, so that they are in a context where others can know them well and speak biblical wisdom, love, and encouragement into their lives. God says, “Don’t isolate yourself. Christian men, unite with other Christian men and seek accountability as a band of brothers, walking together in the journey of life. Christian women, form close bonds with other Christian women as your sisters in the Lord who can share life with you.”

In the dark days of Israel recounted in the sobering book of Judges, we are told: “In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (Judges 17:6; 21:25). It’s a tragic thing to see men and women refuse counsel and accountability to others. Although they imagine they are building up a fortress of protection around themselves, in reality they are cutting themselves off from growth, hope, and the joy of Christian fellowship.

If you are a Christian, God calls you to not neglect the gathering of a local body of believers when you are able. From the moment the church was first launched, the Holy Spirit came upon the gathered group of believers on the Day of Pentecost. Note the way Luke explains this: “All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer” (Acts 2:42, NLT). Whether we are willing to admit it or not, we need one another. We were designed for community.

[1] Rachel Nuwer, Smithsonian Magazine, (https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/the-smell-of-newborn-babies-triggers-the-same-reward-centers-as-drugs-58482/  September 24, 2013)

[2] See Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology, 2nd Edition. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2020),), 1048. Grudem points out in footnote 2 that even in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Old Testament) the word ekklesia “refers frequently to the assemblies of God’s people.”