Tag: marriage

God Invented Romance

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life2 Comments

Marriage is central to the storyline of the Bible. From its earliest chapters, we see that God created the man and the woman for each other and told them to “Be fruitful and multiply.” The marital union of two becoming one flesh has been there from the beginning, and it has a special purpose in God’s world.

The story of the Bible both begins and ends with wedding imagery (Genesis 2:22-25; Revelation 21:1-5). Marriage is God’s living illustration for His covenantal union with His people, which will one day be fully realized in a restored creation when Heaven and Earth unite.

So, no matter what pops into your mind when you hear the word “marriage,” the first thing to know is that God invented it.

“Then the Lord God made a woman... and he brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:22, NIV)

This has some important implications. If marriage is God’s idea, then that means romantic love is His idea, too.

Every Good Gift

That first spark of interest a boy has for the cute girl that sits across the classroom. The feeling you get when your song comes on the radio. The dinner by candlelight in that perfect setting. The couple that has been married for 50 years taking a walk, hand in hand. The electricity of a first kiss. The love note that a wife puts in her husband’s lunchbox. All of that is part of God’s grand design. God is a romantic. If you doubt me, I encourage you to take up and read the biblical book Song of Solomon.

You may be thinking, “Okay, Jason. It seems like you’ve got rose-tinted glasses on. Don’t forget marriage can also be pretty hard.”

True. But it’s important to begin here when we think about romance, because all that is good about marriage, romantic affection, and sexual intimacy comes first and foremost from God.

Many today bemoan God’s restrictions on sex and marriage laid out in the Bible. But what they don’t realize is that everything that makes those romantic moments in life beautiful, good, and right comes from God.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 
(James 1:17, NIV)

Without God, all the joy and excitement of romance is reduced to random neurochemical reactions. Modern progressives like to claim that monogamy is drab and boring. Don’t buy that lie! You know what really takes the magic out of romance? Imagining there is no God behind it all.

Fit for One Another

If we’re going to get marriage right, we need to go back to the beginning when God first created man and woman.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 
(Genesis 2:18, ESV)

Don’t think that this term “helper” is meant to be demeaning. This is not code for “man’s servant for cooking and cleaning.” The point here is that the man needs help. He can’t take care of God’s world without her. More than anyone else, this very word “helper” is used of God in Scripture. But the Bible says God created woman with the intention of finding the right fit for man.

In God’s design for marriage, one man and one woman complement each other perfectly. Men and women are equally valuable, but different. There is a fittedness between a man and a woman that you can’t find in any other combination.

After God parades all the animals before Adam, Adam recognizes nobody here is a good fit. Not that kangaroo. Not that horse. Definitely not that hippo! Nothing from the animal kingdom matches and complements him perfectly.

No matter how many times you’ve read this passage before, I encourage you to ponder what is said here:

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. 
(Genesis 2:21-25, ESV)

Before there was any sin in the world, this is what marriage looked like. The perfect combination of trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. This was God’s design and intention. So, no matter what you think of marriage, you can’t fault the design. You cannot improve on God’s design.

Be Intoxicated with Her Love

So, when you think of God, think of Him as the One who invented the beauty of marriage and designed our bodies with the special fit of a man for a woman. The joy of a wedding ceremony is just a slice of the great joy God has over marriage itself.

Because marriage is something God thought up, we don’t get to change it. And because it is from Him, we can know it is an intrinsically good institution.

In our bizarro world, people (especially young people) often assume that getting married will take all the romance out of the relationship. As if, committing to one another in a one-flesh covenantal union will kill the embers of love. But in God’s economy, it is in marriage that the fire of romance should finally be stoked.

May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love. 
(Proverbs 5:18-19, NIV)

According to the Bible, marriage is a covenant not merely between husband and wife, but one that includes God, too (Proverbs 2:17). It is God that joins the two together, and thus God blesses the marriage union. As if he was making a toast at a wedding, the author Solomon says to his son, “May you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

However—and this is important—only those who honor this covenant get to experience its greatest blessings. When people dishonor marriage, let me assure you, it will eventually come back around to bite them.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of heeding these loving warnings from God:

“Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
    Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
    and he examines all your paths.
The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
    the cords of their sins hold them fast.
For lack of discipline they will die,
    led astray by their own great folly.” 
(Proverbs 5:20-23, NIV)

When people toy with their marriage vows, it is like taking a pile of burning wood on to your lap or walking across hot coals, hoping not to be burned (Proverbs 6:27).

People may say things like, “The Bible is an outmoded text. Marriage can be a relationship for any two people who truly love each other and are committed to one another.”

But why say only two people? And what about if those two people are already in the same family? And why say they must love each other? What if they have other reasons for getting married? And why does it matter that they are committed exclusively to one another?

As it turns out, everyone has restrictions on what they think marriage should be. Elton John jokingly drew the line at goats when someone pressed him.[1]

Honoring Your Spouse Is Honoring Marriage

Unless you get your definition of marriage from Genesis, marriage becomes this elastic thing that you can shape any way you want. And when we shake off God’s definition and trade it in for our own man-made definition, we cheapen and dishonor marriage. It is no longer the sacred thing God intended it to be.

Even secular psychologists understand marriage is worth protecting.

Marriage expert John Gottman writes, “One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late.”[2]

Gottman goes on to tell us all the incredible psychological and health benefits that come from taking your marriage seriously. And one of the most important ways to protect your marriage is to pursue your spouse romantically (husbands, I’m especially talking to you here).

Pay attention to her (or his) needs. Listen well. Make time for date night. Look for activities you can share together. Go out of your way to make sure your spouse feels valued simply for who she (or he) is.

You may have been told that Christians are just as likely to get divorced as non-Christians. However, that hasty conclusion was based on flawed research, because it was based on people just taking the label “Christian,” without any inquiry into whether subjects actually lived a life committed to Jesus Christ. New research done by Brad Wilcox found something very different. Wilcox discovered that committed Christian couples—which he defined as those who regularly attend worship together and read their Bibles regularly—are much less likely to get divorced.

Not only are committed Christians more likely to stay married, but they report greater satisfaction in their marriages. Wilcox concluded, “It turns out that the happiest of all wives in America are religious conservatives… Fully 73 percent of wives who hold conservative gender values and attend religious services regularly with their husbands have high-quality marriages.” Another study found that “When it comes to relationship quality in heterosexual relationships, highly religious couples enjoy higher-quality relationships and more sexual satisfaction, compared to less/mixed religious couples and secular couples.”[3]

Nancy Pearcey adds, “Churchgoing men are also less likely to cheat on their wives. Research has consistently shown that religious attendance is the most important predictor of marital stability.”

In other words, even sociological research shows that when men love Jesus, love the Bible, and take their families to church, the marriage tends to do better. And when marriages are stronger, families are stronger, children have better well-being, society flourishes, nations are stabilized, and God is honored.

So, no matter how you may feel on any given day about marriage, I encourage you to see the value of upholding the sacred beauty of the marriage covenant and of loving your spouse as the sacred image bearer he or she is.

Thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] In context, Elton John said, “There’s nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex. Who cares! I just think people should be very free with sex… They should draw the line at goats.” Rolling Stone magazine ran this interview with Elton John as its cover story on October 7, 1976.

[2] John Gottman, 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, 5.

[3] Brad Wilcox, Jason Carroll, and Laurie DeRose, “Religious Men Can Be Devoted Dads, Too,” New York Times, May 18, 2018; Jeffrey Dew and Brian Willoughby, “Are Religious Faith and Sexual Satisfaction Mutually Exclusive–or Surprisingly Mutual?,” Institute for Family Studies, May 16, 2019.

Leading Well Is Loving Well

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life1 Comment

As a pastor, I know I need regular reminders to stay faithful to the Lord, to not compromise my convictions, and to love those I lead.

We have all heard stories of politicians who chose political expediency over fulfilling promises made to their constituencies. At times, all leaders can be tempted to sacrifice convictions when it is convenient. When a leader is driven by selfish ambition rather than love for those they lead, they end up treating their fellow image bearers of God as steppingstones for career advancement. But the best leaders don’t treat people as a means to an end. Instead, they love those they lead and invest in their growth.

I often tell men at my church that all men are called to lead in some sphere, beginning first with leading themselves. Self-rule or “self-control” is a quality the Bible holds in high esteem; it’s a necessary ingredient for leading others with patience and integrity.

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32, ESV)

According to the Bible, leading well is not so much about dominating and ruling over others, but about ruling your own spirit so that you can lead others by example.

And the best leaders are those who first faithfully follow their Master, the Lord Jesus. Jesus chose twelve men—called “Apostles”—to be the leaders of His church after His ascension into Heaven. But before that time, He poured into these men with wise instruction and taught them that His kingdom would be marked by loving service, self-denial, and humble faith.

When no one else was willing to do the job of a servant, Jesus showed these guys what true leadership looks like. In a stunning display of humility, Jesus washed their feet. In the Apostles’ minds, this was an act fit for a household slave, not a rabbi. And certainly not a Messiah! Yet Jesus said:

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should just as I have done to you.” (John 13:14-15, ESV)

“As Goes the Man, So Goes the Family”

Family is the first sphere to practice this Christlike kind of servant leadership. A man leads his wife well, not by bossing her around and expecting to be served, but by sacrificing his time and energy to love her well, listening well as she shares her heart, and caring for her needs so that she will flourish (Colossians 3:19). Dads and moms lead their children by teaching them, certainly, but also by changing diapers, preparing meals, and bandaging a skinned knee.

The greatest Leader of all time said it best:

“Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you will be a slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:43-45, CSB)

All men are called to lead, but they can lead best if they first submit themselves to God and His will for their lives. When men fail to lead with strength and service, everyone suffers.

Pastor Tony Evans put it well:

“As goes the man, so goes the family. As goes the family; so goes the church. As goes the church; so goes the community. As goes the community; so goes the nation. So if you want to change the nation; change the community; if you want to change the community change the church; if you want to change the church; change the family; if you want to change the family, change the man.”

A Case Study in Bad Leadership

The biblical book of 1 Kings provides us with numerous examples of leadership gone awry. One such example is the young Rehoboam. The heading for 1 Kings 12 in my Bible is “Rehoboam’s Folly,” so we know immediately things are about to go sideways for this young king. After ascending the throne in place of his now deceased father, Solomon, Rehoboam encounters a crisis early in his political career.

Another young man named Jeroboam (not to be confused with Rehoboam) acts as a union leader and leads the Israelite labor force in demanding some changes occur now that Rehoboam is king, or else they’ll go on strike.

“Your father [Solomon] made our yoke heavy. Now therefore lighten the hard service of your father and his heavy yoke on us, and we will serve you.” (1 Kings 12:4, ESV)

Rehoboam buys some time to consider his next move. So far, so good. When a leader responds impulsively during a crisis, problems can escalate. A good leader knows when to press pause and reassess the situation before making a decision. Rehoboam then meets with some of the senior members of his advisory board, the very men who helped guide his father Solomon. Again, this is a good move. Solomon himself said, “Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers” (Proverbs 11:4, NLT).

These older men had experience and wisdom that Rehoboam lacked. They knew what it took to lead people over the long haul. Here’s what we read:

“They replied, ‘Today if you will be a servant to this people and serve them, and if you respond to them by speaking kind words to them, they will be your servants forever.’” (1 Kings 12:7, CSB)

In other words, these aged advisers recommended servant leadership. “If you serve them, they will serve you. If you love them, they will love you. If you’re in touch with their needs, they will gladly follow your lead.”

Unfortunately, Rehoboam didn’t care for this advice. He was too headstrong and progressive to recognize the wisdom of their words. He wrote them off as old has-beens who were stuck in the past. He then consulted the young men he had grown up with—his childhood friends and frat buddies, who, like him, were privileged and proud.

Their advice was the exact opposite of the older men:

“This is what you should tell them: ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist! Although my father burdened you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke; my father disciplined you with whips, but I will discipline you with barbed whips.’” (1 Kings 12:10-11, CSB)

In other words, “These people feel they’re being worked too hard, huh? Why don’t you tell them there’s a new sheriff in town. It’s time you showed them who’s really in charge. You’ve got to lead with an iron fist. Remind them how puny they are and how much you’ll punish their insolence!”

Rehoboam must have smiled maniacally as he heard these words, because he decided to do exactly what these foolish young men said. Today, this would be a bit like ignoring the sound and biblical wisdom of older generations in your family, church, and community, and instead turning to the latest advice from some rising star on TikTok, who is probably prone to thoughtless narcissism and overreaction.

And because he ignored the advice of the older men, Rehoboam lost the people. They now saw him as the cold-hearted tyrant that he was, unwilling and unfit to lead people well. Nearly the entire nation turned on him, and they made Jeroboam, the one viewed as “a man of the people,” their new king.

Not only that, but Scripture says, “And there was war between Rehoboam and Jeroboam continually” (1 Kings 14:30). That is a painful reminder that tyranny and violence only begets tyranny and violence.

Back in the 1800s, the wise theologian J. C. Ryle made an observation that is just as timely today:

“How common is it to see young men with big heads, high-minded, and not wanting to hear wise counsel! How often they are rude and uncourteous to all around them, thinking they are not valued and honored as they deserve! How often they will not stop to listen to a hint from an older person! They think they know everything. They are full of conceit of their own wisdom. They view elderly people, especially their relations, as stupid, and dull, and slow… And this is all pride.”[1]

Every Leader Is Accountable

There’s an important reminder included in this passage that is easy to miss. The narrator says:

“The king did not listen to the people, because this turn of events came from the Lord to carry out his word.” (1 Kings 12:15, CSB)

In other words, although Rehoboam supposed he was in charge, the reality is that all this came “from the Lord to carry out his word,” because God had already promised in the days of Solomon’s rebellion that the kingdom would be divided. All leaders need to be reminded that ultimately it is the Lord, not man, who truly rules the world. The Book of Revelation tells us that eventually there will be only one Man sitting on the throne, and His name is Jesus.

The lesson for all of us is that good leaders recognize that they are accountable to God for how they lead. Who you are influenced by matters a great deal. And if you lead with domineering and harsh cruelty, you will have to answer for that.

Rather than looking for ways to break the spirit of those we lead, as Rehoboam did, we ought to look for ways to build up others so that they can grow and flourish under the umbrella of our leadership. To lead well we must love well.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] J. C. Ryle, Thoughts for Young Men, 27.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment
Photo Credit: Whitney Smith

In his book, Christian Living in the Home, Christian psychologist Jay Adams describes a time a marriage counselor sat down with a couple. Throughout their discussion, the counselor noticed how the husband shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The wife, on the other hand, sat with arms crossed in defiance. She slapped down a sheet of paper on the counselor’s desk. “There is why I’m getting an ulcer.”

Listed on the sheet was every wrong the husband had committed in the last 13 years, complete with supporting details. The counselor was taken aback, and the husband seemed to shrink in his seat. The counselor’s eyes rose to meet the woman’s. “It’s been a long time,” he said, “since I have met anyone as resentful as you.” The wife was speechless, and the husband sat up a little.

The counselor continued, “This is not only a record of what your husband has done to you [incidentally, subsequent sessions showed that it was a very accurate record], it is also a record of what you have done about it. This is a record of your sin against him, your sin against God, and your sin against your own body.”

This woman was directly opposing what we read in 1 Corinthians 13:

“Love… keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, NIV)

Every relationship requires good communication to remain healthy, but in many cases, a husband and wife can’t communicate well because an icy wall of resentment has been built up between them. Until they deal with harbored resentment, the relationship will continue to suffer.

Every time you recount the wrongs of another, you are violating the principle of love.

We do this in various ways. We may not vocalize all the ways we’ve been wronged, but whenever a certain person pops into our mind, we silently rehearse all the ways they’ve let us down. We are experts at nursing grudges. We remind ourselves why we have the moral high ground and why certain people don’t deserve our kindness or affection.

God tells us to “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26), because He knows about the destructive tendency of being dominated by anger and resentment. And, yes, it can even cause ulcers when we allow rage to seethe beneath the surface.

Greeting with a Holy Kiss

Many have wondered about the contemporary significance of Paul’s plea to the churches to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” (1 Corinthians 16:20). In the first century context, it was a perfectly normal practice to plant a kiss on the cheek of a family member or close friend. Because the church is truly a family,[1] it only made sense for Christians to greet each other in this warm and accepting way. Many cultures still practice this today.

In my American context, a handshake or warm embrace conveys the same message: “You are welcome here.” If this was a normal practice, why did Paul have to urge the churches to do this? Because he knew how hostility can grow even between followers of Jesus, and he saw how out of place this was.

When you are holding a grudge against someone, it’s very hard to want to go up and hug them. The wall between two bitter people might be invisible, but you can sense the tension through their body language, physical distance, and avoidance of eye contact. The rift in the relationship makes physical contact—especially a warm embrace—seem impossible.

So, to urge believers to “Greet one another with a holy kiss” was a reminder to lay aside differences, forgive those who have wronged you, and reconcile when possible.

I have sometimes thought about the first time the letter to the Philippians was read aloud as the whole church gathered. In that letter, Paul suddenly calls out two women by name: “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord” (Philippians 4:2, NIV). This may have been a church of around 100 people where everyone knows each other. These two women apparently had a disagreement, and it was such a disagreement that even Paul heard about it while in jail over 600 miles away. I imagine them sheepishly looking up at each other as their names are mentioned.

Frankly, it’s a little comforting to know that Christians had disputes and disagreements even in Paul’s day. I don’t know if Euodia and Syntyche’s disagreement was over the color of the carpet or the size of the baptistry or the type of music that was sung. Who knows? Christians can get caught up in disagreements about all kinds of things! Paul, like a gentle father, reminds them both to work for the unity they share in the gospel.

Paul is not belittling them by calling them out here. More likely, these are a couple of very prominent women in the church who hold a lot of influence, and he wants them—in fact, he’s pleading with them—to not let their argument get blown out of proportion. He also mentions they are counted among those “whose names are in the book of life” (v. 3). He’s saying, “Remember, ladies, you are daughters of the King, and your names are written with permanent ink in the Book of Life.”

According to Revelation 21:7, the Book of Life is the massive book that will be opened for all to see on the Day of Judgment listing the names of everyone who will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Seeing disagreements through the lens of eternity helps to put things in perspective. Never forget that the very Christian you are now resenting will be with you in Heaven, too.

Complacent about Conflict?

Have you ever been part of an argument that seemed to take on a life of its own? By the end of the debate, both you and whoever you were sparring with are left huffing and puffing and neither of you can remember why you were fighting in the first place. Sadly, many marriages end or are damaged over pointless arguments that get out of hand. God calls husbands and wives to reconcile when there is a difference. Again, Scripture says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26) because Satan will try to use any and every dispute to split Christians apart. And he especially comes after marriage because it’s the most intimate human relationship. Perhaps you’ve heard this old poem:

To live above with the saints we love,
Oh, that will be glory,
But to live below with the saints we know,
Well, that’s another story.

We should not be complacent when we have conflict with other Christians. It’s not something to just “be okay” with or just ignore. Relational conflicts are like a slow leak in a dam that can drain the life out of you if you try to ignore them. God wants us to be honest with one another, and to reconcile and forgive when we have differences. I’ve spoken with some people who had a conflict with someone in a church, and because of that single conflict they’ve been bitterly holding a grudge for years. That’s not healthy for anyone—not for the church and not for yourself.

But the most important reason we must seek reconciliation is that it glorifies God. Bitterness should have no place among believers, because when we hold a grudge, our actions preach an anti-gospel. How can a church proclaim a message of reconciliation that would attract the world, if such a church is marred by bitterness, hostility, and division?

If you have a conflict with someone, don’t let it fester. Make every effort to reconcile with that person.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18, ESV)

Paul knows that many times, we find ourselves in pointless arguments and disputes when we are under stress. If we are fretting and anxious about the future or things that aren’t going well, it doesn’t take much for us to snap. Even the branches of a mighty oak will snap under enough pressure.

So, Paul says what we need to do: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). Now, we’ve got to remember where Paul was writing this . He wasn’t sitting in a Roman bath or sipping on an espresso at Café Roma. He was writing by candlelight in a dark jail cell in Rome. He was not writing this as someone unfamiliar with stressful and difficult situations. The best way to deal with relational conflict is to remember how Jesus dealt with our record of wrongs.

What Jesus Did with Our Record

For the follower of Christ, the gospel informs every relationship. We can’t understand love without considering how Jesus has loved us. We won’t be motivated to reconcile with others until we recognize that the gospel is a message of reconciliation. We can’t begin to forgive those who have wronged us until we remember how much we have been forgiven.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

Every single one of us has wronged Jesus more times than we could possibly remember. As God, our sin is first and foremost against Him. But did Jesus hold our sin over us? Did He stand afar with arms crossed, or did He draw near with arms extended? Relish these words:

“He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 3:13-14, NIV)

Jesus held that record of wrongs and, instead of hitting us over the head with it, He lovingly allowed the nails to be driven through that record and into His hands. Let’s remember how much we have been forgiven. And then go and do likewise. Reconciliation between believers should be priority number one, because love keeps no record of wrongs.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] God is our Father, and we are called brothers and sisters.

The Affectionate Husband

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life2 Comments 
“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.” (Song of Solomon 4:9, NLT)

Marriage is serious business. In His Word, God speaks of marriage as a holy and sacred covenant we make before Him (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 2:17); it is a relationship to cherish and protect from all potential dangers. God expresses righteous indignation toward the one who disregards his wedding vows (Malachi 2:13-16). So marriage is serious business, but it’s also meant to be a relationship of joy and delight.

In fact, these two concepts of reverence toward marriage and delight in marriage support and sustain each other. Contrary to popular belief, to regard something as “holy” does not suggest the absence of joy. Unfortunately, many today want to characterize marriage as boring and rigid, even as a form of slavery. But to view marriage as holy simply means that we should regard it is as special and set apart before God. When a man and woman wed, they are embracing one another in a union that is set apart from all other relationships. Through their vows, the bride and groom are essentially saying to one another, “I give myself exclusively to you and promise to delight in you in a lifelong covenant that I share with no one else.”

Bring Happiness to Your Wife

Maybe you’ve heard the quip that marriage is a three-ring circus. First, there is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and lastly, you have the suffering. However, this is completely contrary to the Bible’s portrayal of marriage. God intends for husband and wife to experience the joy of their union far beyond the honeymoon.

You get a sense of God’s intention for marriage through some of the laws that He gave His people. For instance, through Moses, God said:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” (Deuteronomy 24:5, ESV)

When my wife Whitney and I were engaged, I began considering going to seminary. My friend and mentor, Pastor Matt, wisely counseled me to wait at least one full year after the wedding before enrolling. He pointed to this law for support, saying that God would have me give my full attention to my new bride for the first year. It made perfect sense, and I’m so glad I heeded his advice.

That first year of marriage is pivotal because you are setting a pattern and laying a foundation for the rest of your life together. Notice that God’s high standard for marriage is seen in the way He expressly commands happiness for newlyweds. Translated literally, the husband is commanded to “bring happiness to the wife he has married” (TNIV).

Catch the Little Foxes

Like all God’s laws, this is intended for our good and growth (Deuteronomy 10:13). But how many husbands today have made it their goal to make their wife happy?

Research has shown that a newly married husband will often pour all his attention into establishing his career. He tells his wife (and himself) that he’s only thinking of their future together, but he doesn’t realize he actually is setting a dangerous pattern. Rather than giving his undivided attention to her as an affectionate husband, he postpones affection by spending most of his time away from her.

For some husbands, it’s not until they reach middle age that they suddenly wake up and realize they have neglected their responsibility of showing their wife affection. Instead, they have made career aspirations their first priority.

Song of Solomon is a lengthy poem about King Solomon and his beloved bride. The love poem pictures the marriage union as a garden or vineyard that needs to be protected and cultivated. If you have ever tried to maintain a garden, you know the importance of giving it enough attention and care. There are weeds to be pulled, water and fertilizer to be given, and branches that must be pruned. At one point, Solomon’s bride even laments the “little foxes” that sneak in and destroy their “vineyard”:

“Catch the foxes for us,
    the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
    for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15, ESV)

Many marriages suffer from a lack of proper care and cultivation. When this happens, the “little foxes” of stress, financial hardship, and other distractions can slowly start to corrode the relationship.

So what is the solution? It’s actually quite simple: As the husband, you are to lavish your bride with love and affection. Pursue her with the same tenacity you did to win her heart. Become a lifelong student of your wife, her needs, her hopes, and what brings her joy.

Rejoice in Your Wife

Solomon’s bride exults:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.” (Song of Solomon 1:2, ESV)

When her husband is away, she is less sure of herself (1:5-6). She craves his swift return (2:8) and is distressed when he is gone long hours (3:1-3).

In the TV series Everwood, there’s a scene where a wife confronts her husband, a traveling salesman, about how frequently he is away from home. She tells him how hard it is when he’s gone, not only for their little boy, but for her. With tears in her eyes, she says, “Do you need me that way? Please tell me you still need me that way.”

In God’s design, the wife is designed to long for her husband’s affection, and the husband is designed to fulfill this longing. That’s why Solomon seizes every opportunity to shower his bride with affection, calling her “most beautiful among women” (1:8; also see 1:15; 4:1). As the husband practices this kind of affection, loving his wife is no longer a wearisome duty, but a wonderful delight.

Some might even blush at the way the Bible unabashedly urges the husband to delight in his wife:

“Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, ESV)

When the husband leads the way in tenderly expressing love for his wife, their union is strengthened and their love made secure.

In their book Love Lock, Marty Trammell and Rich Rollins describe the deep longing we all have for security in our love relationships. One of the best ways to show love for our spouse is through attentive listening. They write, “When our spouse knows that her world is becoming more important to us, she feels our love more deeply.”[1]

All of this is encompassed in the straightforward command: “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly” (Colossians 3:19, NLT). The affectionate husband recognizes just how essential this lasting love is.

[1] Marty Trammel and Rich Rollins, Love Lock: Creating Lasting Connections with the One You Love, 29.

The Complex Emotion of Anger

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment

Uh-oh. There’s that feeling again. It’s like a deep tremor welling up inside. A volcano with growing subterranean pressure. We all know what it’s like to experience the heat of anger. At times, it’s directed at a situation, but more often anger is directed at a person, usually someone you know well. At other times, you are on the receiving end—the volcano is erupting on you!

Anger can wreck friendships and send marriages spiraling into a tailspin. At its worst, it can lead to abuse and tragedy. If left unchecked, anger can be the most destructive human emotion. The Bible gives clear warnings about anger:

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.” (Psalm 37:8, NIV)

Nearly everywhere you look, you can find areas where anger is harming our society. Just consider the problem of road rage. According to a recent study, “More than 1,000 people in the U.S. die each year in road rage incidents.”[1] In their book Anger Kills, authors Redford and Virginia Williams found that those who are prone to angry outbursts are more likely to have coronary heart disease.[2] No wonder the Bible says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11, ESV).

So how do we rightly deal with this volatile emotion?

Admit You Are Angry

If we are going to make any progress in dealing with our anger, we have to be willing to first admit when we are angry. People like to say, “I gave her a piece of my mind” or “I guess I lost my cool there.” But what they really mean is “I was angry.” Maybe you’ve heard the remark: “I don’t get mad, but I do get even.”

Most often, we Christians struggle to admit we are angry because we have been taught that anger is a sin. And certainly, there are more than a few warnings about anger in the Bible. “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22, BSB). But I would argue that passages like this speak of misdirected and uncontrolled anger. The Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV).

Anger is not a monochrome emotion that we can so easily file away in the “sin” category. As David Powlison said, anger “is a complex human response to a complex world.”[3] After all, God expresses anger at sin.[4] Throughout Scripture, we read of God’s wrath or righteous indignation in response to injustice, idolatry, and sinful distortions of His good design for humanity.

Jesus Christ, known for His meekness and gentleness, expressed anger many times in the Gospels too – usually in response to self-righteous hypocrisy.[5]

On one occasion, the religious elite demonstrated more concern for catching Jesus in their legalistic trap than for the plight of a man with a withered hand. Their cold-hearted callousness toward real suffering made Jesus hot with righteous anger. He “looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart” (Mark 3:5, ESV).

Anger is the natural human response to evil and injustice. It is the heart crying out, This is wrong. So we should not be reticent to admit when we feel angry. Owning our anger will allow us to rightly deal with it.

Restrain Your Immediate Response

While anger can be the natural human response to wrongdoing, that doesn’t mean it’s always expressed in a good way. In fact, because of our sin nature, our tendency is to express anger in an ungodly or self-centered way, rather than in a godly way like Jesus. The Book of James reminds us about the importance of hitting the brakes to “slow down” when we feel that first surge of anger.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20, ESV)

Consider this scenario. A teenager “borrows” his dad’s Ford Mustang without asking in order to impress a girl and brings it back with an ugly scrape across the door. When his father discovers what happened, what’s his initial response? He’s angry. Very likely, this man will want to fly into a rage, lashing out at his son for his reckless and irresponsible behavior. What his son did was wrong. So to feel anger is only natural, but James would warn this man to hit the brakes. Because a knee-jerk response in anger is almost always destructive.

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” (Proverbs 14:29, NLT)

You may be thinking, Sure, controlling my anger is a great idea. Easier said than done. It’s true that stopping yourself in the moment might not be easy. Ultimately, patience, gentleness, and self-control are produced by the Holy Spirit, not something we can achieve through mere human effort.

However, with God’s help we can learn to respond in the moment in a way that honors Him. Practically speaking, this might mean stepping away temporarily when you start to feel your blood boil. Marriage expert Gary Chapman recommends a husband and wife learn to “call timeout” when emotions begin to surge.[6] This means giving each other space for a brief time, so that both can come back to discuss the matter calmly without having said or done something they regret. Sometimes a walk around the block is enough time to cool the temperatures so that feelings aren’t hurt and a peaceful compromise is reached.

Identify the Cause of Your Anger

We’ve all heard stories of school shootings or homicides that didn’t seem to add up. People say things like “He seemed like such a nice guy” and “I never saw it coming.” No doubt this is in large part because people are good at wearing “nice” on the outside even while unaddressed anger is quietly brewing inside.

While such examples may sound extreme, they simply demonstrate what can happen when anger is not confronted. I’ve talked to several people who have admitted that mistreatment, neglect, or a lack of love in their home growing up planted deep seeds of anger. The long-term effect may even be ignored or downplayed for a time. But because the hurt is still there, they are sometimes shocked by their own angry and emotional outbursts.

For others, it is the deep wounds of a past relationship that planted those seeds of anger. They know it’s there, but they can’t help grieving over the pain of the past. And sometimes that grief mingles into bitterness and hatred.

Neil T. Anderson, who has helped countless people deal with deep-seated anger, said, “Whenever we are asked to help someone who has a root of bitterness, the source of the problem has always been unforgiveness.”[7]

It’s no surprise that right after Paul tells the Ephesians, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger,” he says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV).

The reality is that we all experience anger. I am certainly not exempt from this emotion. We may say, “I’m just strong-willed,” but that might mean we have a fear of being proven wrong. Or we may say, “I just care deeply about the truth,” but oftentimes there’s some insecurity just below the surface.

We are all broken people. But God is in the business of putting broken people back together. By His Spirit and His grace, we can find fresh joy in the Lord. We can experience the peace that He alone gives. But if we don’t deal with the roots of our anger, anger will continue to get the better of us.

Through the Spirit, Paul told the Ephesians, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV). In other words, anger is not always sinful. However, it does no good to dwell on your anger. Or, better said, to let anger dwell in you.

Surrender Your Anger to God

Once we have admitted we feel angry, the first and most important thing to do is surrender it to God. Put that rage, animosity, and ill-feelings toward someone else in God’s hands. It’s a burden He can handle, and He wants to take it off your shoulders.

Again, we often have good reasons for feeling angry. That’s not what is sinful. But harboring and nursing anger leads to a warfare mindset rather than a peace-making mindset. And what we really want is to see the wrongs made right. So who better to entrust your anger to than the God of righteousness and justice?

Remember, God cares more about the wrongs done against you than you do.

“The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 145:17, NIV)

The Lord is more passionate about justice than you or me. So let’s put our case in His hands. He will do what is right, but with perfect authority and timing.

That’s what Jesus did. “When He was reviled, He did not revile in return” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV). When He was mocked, beaten, and mistreated in the most appalling and shameful ways imaginable, Jesus “continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV).

Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, but Jesus called him His “friend.”[8] His own disciples scattered when Jesus was arrested and killed. But after His resurrection, the Lord graciously approached those same guys who had abandoned Him. He even embraced the one who had previously denied ever knowing Him.

Jesus had every right to be furious for the way He, the spotless Lamb, was being treated, but He surrendered all His righteous anger to His Father in Heaven. And ultimately that’s what you and I are called to do in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] “Boiling Point” presented at the Mental Health Action Week, 2008, Mental Health Organization.

[2] Redford and Virginia Williams, Anger Kills.

[3] David Powlison, Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness, Kindle edition.

[4] Psalm 7:11.

[5] For example, see Matthew 23.

[6] Gary Chapman, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way.

[7] Neil T. Anderson and Rich Miller, Managing Your Anger, 152.

[8] Matthew 27:50.

The Mystery of Mars and Venus

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life1 Comment

By Jason Smith

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

Perhaps you’ve heard the oft-quoted line that “men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.” This statement highlights the noteworthy differences between men and women.

For many couples, these differences truly surface after the wedding bells ring. The story is told of a boy who asked his father, “Dad, what’s the difference between love and marriage?” The father replied, “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!”

Many a young couple could relate to this sentiment. In the days anticipating their wedding, the bride and groom both imagined the blissful life they are about to begin together. Of course, no one told them that their idealistic pictures are likely very different from one another. Perhaps, no one told them how much of marriage involves sacrifice. Perhaps, no one told them how many surprises there would be.

She didn’t know how much he liked working long hours on his car. He didn’t know how much she liked discussing paint colors. One woman was overheard at a garden-club meeting saying, “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

I wonder how her husband interpreted that remark.

Whitney and I are in our seventh year of marriage, and although we know each other so well, I expect we will continue learning new things about one another for the rest of our lives. I think most married couples would agree. Just when you think you’ve solved the puzzle that is your spouse, you discover there’s a lot more pieces you didn’t even know about.

And yet, despite the incredible differences between men and women, marriage really is a beautiful thing.

How do I know? Because it was God’s idea. If You’re the infinite, all-wise, sovereign Creator of the universe, one thing a puny-brained human can’t legitimately accuse You of is a bad idea. Now, one thing we could legitimately say to Him is “God, this is a mystery.” In fact, the apostle Paul used that precise word. Speaking of marriage, he said, “This mystery is profound” (Ephesians 5:32).

So, as we navigate the wonderfully mysterious world of marriage, what wisdom can we glean from Scripture? Here, it is worth looking at the very first marriage. After all, God used Adam and Eve’s nuptials as something of a blueprint for how marriage is supposed to work.

Right after creating the man out of the dust of the earth and breathing life into His nostrils, God made a vast and paradisiacal garden in which he could dwell. Then we read this:

“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die’” (Genesis 2:15-17).

God tells him to take his fill of all he wants from the garden. He can sink his teeth into any of the delicious, tantalizing fruits he finds — except, of course, for that one that’ll kill him. Best to leave that one alone.

But aside from this curious prohibition, notice what the text says about man’s job. He has a calling to “work” and “take care of” the lush garden. In other words, God placed Adam there to cultivate the garden. A lot could be said about how this relates to humanity’s purpose in ruling over creation as God’s image-bearing vice-regents — spoken about in the chapter before this (see Genesis 1:26-28). But for now, it’s important to see that God planned for the man to work before sin ever entered the world.

Now, notice what God says next: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). In a perfectly good world created by a perfectly good God, this “not good” is a bit jarring. The man has God. He has all the furry animals. He has a beautiful and sumptuous garden full of delicious fruits. Nevertheless, something is “not good.” Adam is one solitary dude. He needs a companion. He needs another human with whom he can relate and do life.

So what did God do? He created woman to be “a helper fit for him.” Don’t be put off by the language of “helper.” It’s actually a term of great honor. In fact, the Bible even calls God “helper” many times (see Psalm 54:4; 118:7). The big takeaway is this: Adam needs help. He cannot do the garden work God called him to all on his own.

Far too many men today are passive about the responsibilities God has given them. They don’t see themselves as having a purpose. They just kind of drift along without any real and clear direction. That’s a tragic thing. God calls us to take initiative in working hard for the good of others. He calls us to be diligent and passionate about improving the world around us.

At the same time, God did not intend for man to go it alone. Although the concept of rugged individualism appeals to many men, it really doesn’t fit with how God wired us. Genesis 2:18 forever stands as a witness to the fact that human beings were made for relationship with one another. And chief among those human relationships is marriage. In marriage, intimacy between two souls reaches its zenith.

But note something else. God said, “I will make a helper fit for him.” That is, God fashioned the woman with the man in mind. In the words of Goldilocks, the man and woman are “just right” for each other. God specially designed the man and the woman for each other. What makes marriage so powerful is that it taps into God’s genius for how two of his image bearers bond together for life.

In the words of Jesus, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). To a world that has embraced no-fault divorce, the Son of God says, “Don’t try to split what God has spliced.” Marriage is not like an old watch that you can discard when it stops working for us. It is more like a precious jewel that you would never even dangle over the edge of a dock. Granted, everyone comes to this text with their unique set of challenges and circumstances. Nevertheless, it remains true that marriage is by nature a binding covenant before God. He never said marriage wouldn’t take some work. He never said it would always be a cakewalk. He did say it was designed for permanence.

Tim Keller wisely said, “Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love.”[1]

When it was clear that none of Adam’s furry friends quite fit the bill, God performed the first surgery to craft the first female.

“So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:21-22)

Why did God form the woman from one of the man’s ribs? Consider this for a moment. God could have fashioned the woman any way He saw fit. He didn’t take a portion of the man’s brain (think of the endless jokes there would have been!). He didn’t take a portion of his feet (think of the trouble this could have led to). She came from his rib — from his side. Doesn’t God’s choice to use the man’s rib indicate that the woman was intended to be neither his superior nor his inferior, but instead, his equal? Men and women are distinct, but equal in their intrinsic dignity. Both are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

But they are also made of the same “stuff,” the same flesh. God took from Adam’s body so that Eve’s DNA was inevitably connected to his. They are biologically related. As it turns out, men and women are not from Mars and Venus respectively. But more than merely creating a genetic link between the two, God did it this way so that they could see from the very beginning that He created them for a one-flesh union that they alone can share.

Upon first laying eyes on the feminine beauty before him, Adam impulsively broke into song.

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.” (Genesis 2:23)

Okay, so maybe the lyrics aren’t your idea of romantic. Nevertheless, it set a pattern, and love songs like Pat Benatar’s “We Belong” and Bruno Mars’ “Marry You” have been a hit ever since.

Then God Himself summarizes, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (vv. 24-25). The “therefore” seems to be saying, “The man and woman can unite as one flesh, because woman is made from man’s flesh.” In other words, the man and woman really were made for each other. Nothing and no one should ever come between the husband and his wife, and the union they share.

This one-flesh union of marriage goes beyond sexual intimacy. It is a whole-life covenant that unites the man and woman as a permanent and unique couple who live together, eat together, sleep together, and go through all of life together. To men and women alike, marriage is a mystery. However, in Ephesians 5, Paul goes on to say it is a mystery pointing to the union of Christ and His church. If we needed one more reason to treat marriage as a weighty thing, here it is. It is a powerful, flesh-and-blood picture of the gospel. Thus, we ought to treasure marriage for the incredible gift that it is.

[1] Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Dutton, 2011). If there is one book on marriage that I can encourage you to read, this is it. Pick up a copy today: https://www.amazon.com/Meaning-Marriage-Facing-Complexities-Commitment/dp/1594631875/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Tim+Keller+meaning+of+marriage&qid=1580921249&sr=8-1

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