By Jason Smith

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

In a matter of weeks, my wife Whitney is due to deliver our third boy, Ryan David Smith. Thus will begin yet another chapter in our life together. We are experiencing the strange mixture of unbounded excitement and a pinch of sheer terror at what lies in store for us. But mostly we just can’t wait to meet the little guy. God has been so very gracious with us. Whitney and I love our boys and cannot imagine life without them.

Although we are keenly aware of how cranky we can be when sleep deprived, we are, truthfully, just as excited for our third son as we were for our first two. Whitney has pointed out how active Ryan has been in the womb. Many times, she has grabbed my hand and put it over her tummy when Ryan is in the middle of his daily karate exercises. What expectant dad doesn’t get a kick out of that? (Insert groan in response to the dad joke here). So much life and so much vibrant personality already bound up in this tiny person! I have even played this fun little game where I press twice on him, and he immediately responds with a kick as if to say, “Yeah, I felt that!”

I think of what King David — after whom we named Ryan David — wrote about God’s direct and intimate involvement with every step of a baby’s development in the womb:

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:13-16)

It is a marvel to me how our older two boys can be so similar, and yet so very different. Both are testosterone-filled boys who love to run wild, crash little cars, pretend they are swash-buckling pirates, jump off the couch, and wrestle their old man on the ground. At the same time, they are remarkably distinct in personality and preferences.

Logan (4) is a thinker. He is deeply empathetic and constantly looking for ways to meet the needs of others. God has given Logan a very organized mind that loves to see how things fit together, and he relishes well-structured environments. Despite his tender heart, Logan also loves the thrill of adventure and hardly a day goes by without him asking to ride his bike. At this point, I’m thinking he would make a fine neurosurgeon, an engineer for skyscrapers, or perhaps someone who does humanitarian relief work overseas.

Weston (2), on the other hand, is a doer. Granted, he is two years younger, but we can already tell he is more action-oriented. The little chunk is in love with every animal he meets, and energetic life seems to pulsate through his tough little body. When Weston enters a new place, the first thing he looks for is the highest point that he can climb to and jump off. Hence, the nickname Whitney and I have given him: “Wild West.” I am guessing he’ll end up as either a lion tamer, a stuntman, or a CIA agent.

With the arrival of our third boy, I feel an even deeper sense of responsibility and accountability for my role in their lives as a father. I am very aware of my many faults and flaws, and, no doubt, there are many more of which I am not aware. But this doesn’t change the fact that I am called to be a godly example to these boys. While I do not expect to be a perfect dad, I want to strive to be all that God calls me to be for them.

It is virtually undisputed that fathers play a tremendous role in the lives of their sons, especially in their formative years, when they are learning what it means to be a man. Research continually bears out the long-term consequences in the lives of both boys and girls when there is no father or father figure at home.[1] There is something profoundly grounding and nurturing about having a loving father who is present for his son and deeply interested in his life. I myself was blessed to have such a father in my life, and he continues to be a role model for me today.

Obviously, mothers play an essential role in the boy’s life, too — mine certainly did! However, there are certain things that a boy can only learn from a man. For example, as their dad, I can show my sons how a man ought to respect and honor a woman. From an early age, my boys are noting the way I treat Whitney. If I were to give her only a minimal level of attention, dismiss her concerns as trivial, or ignore her comments and suggestions, my boys would begin to pick up the false idea that men need not respect women.

A lack of respect for women from a young age invariably results in teenage boys viewing girls as objects for their pleasure rather than persons deserving their respect and thoughtful consideration. This subject is not popular to talk about, but it needs to be said more often. Whenever men disregard the inherent value of women, this always leads to devastating consequences. One of the primary roles for a father of boys is to model for his sons the great importance of honoring women. For example, they need to know from an early age that it is never okay to hit a girl.

This is important because a boy’s wiring is different from a girl. Recent studies have discovered more ways male and female brains are different even at the molecular level.[2] Aside from the obvious genetic and anatomical dissimilarities, boys have higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of serotonin. Serotonin is a hormone that helps regulate self-control and “facilitates good judgment” when emotions run high.[3] It explains at the chemical level why men often act violently and recklessly when they lose their tempers.[4]

Something I have learned about my boys is that everything is a race for them. If you ask one to set the table (with their little plastic plates and cups), the other seizes the opportunity to beat him to the punch. The same is true when it is time to go to the park, pick out a bedtime story, or brush their teeth. It does not matter if there is no prize whatsoever. Everything is a race. This competitive streak in boys is both a good thing and a bad thing.

Research has shown that higher levels of testosterone correlate with higher levels of competitive, aggressive, and even, sometimes, violent behavior. This explains why, by nature, boys tend to be more competitive than girls. Girls, on the other hand, tend to be more relational. Granted, there are exceptions, but overall this tendency holds true. Psychologist James Dobson writes, “Testosterone almost certainly plays a role in the fact that the vast majority of crimes of violence are committed by men, and that the prison population is occupied by a vastly disproportionate number of males.”[5][6]

The point here is not that boys are a bunch of little criminals in a cute disguise and that girls are sweet little angels incapable of doing wrong. Parents around the world can testify this is not quite true! Neither is the point that boys are biologically preprogrammed to act violently. As a Christian, I believe what the Bible says about the spiritual and moral brokenness of every person, and his or her desperate need of a perfect Savior (Romans 3:9-25). I also believe what the Bible says about each person being responsible for his or her own behavior (Romans 2:1-16; 2 Corinthians 5:10).

By God’s grace, boys can grow up to be men who lead a life where they respect others — especially women and those in authority — and use their strength ultimately to promote peace. There is nothing inherently evil about testosterone, but it is essential to recognize the inevitable fallout when parents do not raise their boys to make wise, moral, and God-honoring decisions.

Moreover, that competitive streak in boys can be a very good thing, because it can lead to them pushing one another to improve, work hard, and always strive for excellence in whatever they do. Young men can actually build a deep bond of brotherhood through their competition with one another. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). So, please don’t feel the need to hamper that adrenaline and stifle all forms of rivalry. Instead, help your boy channel that grit and determination to win into right behavior. Boys need to know there is a time to be tough, and there is a time to be tender. Helping them distinguish between those two times is of paramount importance.

That is why it is so important for not just the mom, but also the dad to provide guidance and discipline for boys regarding how they treat others. In fact, because boys tend to respond better to male authority figures, it is the dad’s responsibility to lead the way in both loving discipline and gentle instruction (Ephesians 6:4). As a Christian, I see my primary responsibility in raising my boys is to both share the gospel of Jesus Christ with them and model a life consistent with that message. Only the gospel is “the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes” (Romans 1:16). Therefore, it alone has the power to transform hearts and make them disciples (followers) of the Lord Jesus.

Christian parents are not merely parents; they are disciple makers. By God’s grace, my generation can raise a generation of godly men who know what it means to love God and neighbor. For those of us who know Christ, we can take great courage in knowing that we are not left alone to this branch of discipleship we call parenting. Jesus said, “I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

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[1] I have tremendous respect for single moms. When I talk about the importance of a father, in no way am I suggesting that single moms should despair. Rather, your role is vital in your child’s upbringing, and godly men who are not your child’s father can and do serve a significant role in helping to guide and instruct a child, even though this will look different from a father’s role. A helpful resource is Emerson Eggerichs, Mother and Son: The Respect Effect (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2016). It also needs to be said that God can overcome all statistics and circumstances. Time and time again, I have met men who grew up without a father, but have been radically transformed by Jesus Christ, the One who is not limited by statistical trends.

[2] Catherine S. Woolley, et al, “Sex Differences in Molecular Signaling at Inhibitory Synapses in the Hippocampus,” (The Journal of Neuroscience, 12 August 2015), 11252-11266. Woolley, who was originally averse to the concept of sex differences in the brain, later had to admit that the evidence overwhelmingly demonstrated that male and female brains are fundamentally different at the molecular level. Her article is found here: https://www.jneurosci.org/content/jneuro/35/32/11252.full.pdf

[3] James C. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys (Tyndale House Publishers, 2018), 25.

[4] It is important to acknowledge what is happening at the chemical and neurological level as a partial explanation, but certainly not the full explanation.

[5] Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, 22.

[6] However, another interesting statistic is that men with absentee fathers are more likely to commit violent crimes than men who had a loving father in the home. See Don Elium, Raising a Son (New York: Random House, 2004); James C. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, chapters 5 and 6.