Tag: anger

A Word Fitly Spoken

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional4 Comments 
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” (Proverbs 25:11, ESV)

Christians need one another. Whether we go through times of triumph or defeat, we need a brother or a sister to come alongside us and encourage us to walk the path of faithfulness.

Imagine a scenario where someone slighted you or put you down. This person made a point of saying how awful you are at your job or how lousy you are as a parent. They made cruel remarks not only about you but about your family. The targeted attack spewing from this person’s mouth seems intended to make you feel small and worthless. Perhaps it’s not so difficult to imagine this scenario. Maybe you’ve lived it!

In such a situation, how do you respond? Better said, how would God have us respond when we are shamefully mistreated and insulted?

The Future King

We find an example of this in 1 Samuel 25. This story occurs when David is not yet the king of Israel, but is instead a fugitive on the run. King Saul, jealous of David for being a better man than him in every way, has been hunting David down. Knowing many in his kingdom long for David to be on the throne – including his own son Jonathan – Saul is determined to kill David.

Twice during this season of exile, David has an opportunity to assassinate Saul. Even when his men encourage David to slay the king, David refuses, saying, “The Lord forbid that I should put out my hand against the Lord’s anointed.” (1 Samuel 26:11; cf. 24:6). David’s Christlike character never shines brighter than in these moments when he chooses to trust God and spare the man who has made his life miserable.

But situated between these two incidents is another time when David’s faithfulness is put to the test. It involves a foolish and ill-tempered man named Nabal, and his wife Abigail, “an intelligent and beautiful woman” (1 Samuel 25:3, NIV). David has something like a business partnership with the wealthy Nabal. Nabal owns many flocks, and David and his 600 soldiers have protected Nabal’s flocks and servants for some time. These were dangerous times when large flocks and their shepherds were vulnerable to raiders and wild animals. The servants even say that David’s men “were a wall around us the whole time we were herding our sheep near them” (v. 16).

It was generally understood that when soldiers provided protective services, it is only right that they be well fed by the owner of the herds. Nabal is about to throw a big feast, so David sends a warm and friendly message to him, asking whether he and his men can join. You could call it a polite request for a fair business transaction.

The Wealthy Fool

But Nabal’s response is crude and thoughtless. He basically says, “David who? Never heard of him. He sounds like one of those runaway slaves who tries to take advantage of respectable individuals like myself.”

This was a pretty low blow. David was well-known everywhere in Israel. He had gained renown for defeating the Philistine giant Goliath. Not only was Nabal not practicing fair exchange, but he was slapping David across the face, telling him to go beg somewhere else. Nabal was living up to his name, which meant “fool.”

Nabal’s reckless words were especially foolish in this ancient honor-shame society. Those who were shamed by others were expected to protect their own name by taking vengeance on the wrongdoer.

David’s response is quick and decisive. He tells 400 of his men: “Strap on your swords!” (v. 13). Nobody insults David and gets away with it. It’s payback time!

The Wise Woman

It’s at this time that Abigail, Nabal’s wife, learns what her idiotic husband has done and that David plans to destroy every man in his household. She wastes no time in putting together a peace offering and running out to meet the enraged David. Abigail humbly falls at David’s feet and pleads with him to reconsider.

Noting that what her husband did is both foolish and hateful, Abigail says, “Please forgive the trespass of your servant” (v. 28). Then, with astonishing wisdom, she reminds David of Yahweh’s tender care for him and that God will one day set him on Israel’s throne, establishing a lasting dynasty.[1] It’s crucial that Abigail does this. When we forget about God’s deep love for us, it can be far easier to be reactionary and impulsive. Abigail then says, “It’s not just for my husband that I’m pleading, David, but for you. I don’t want you to have his blood on your conscience.”

Abigail’s counsel is a word fitly spoken. She appeals to God’s justice and love. And because Abigail speaks with respect and kindness, David is cut to the heart. She is a “wise reprover,” and he has “a listening ear” (Proverbs 25:11).[2]

David recognizes that really it is God who sent her to speak these words to him. He will not take vengeance into his own hands. Because of Abigail’s wise words, David chose to trust the Lord to be his defender instead of responding in a fit of anger. Rather than piling sin upon sin, Abigail guided David to live out what we read in Romans 12:

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:19, 21, ESV)

David let God be his defender. In fact, we read that only ten days later God struck down Nabal, and David later married the widowed Abigail (1 Samuel 25:38). That doesn’t mean we pray for God to smite all those who mistreat us, but we do show trust in God by letting Him deal with our enemies.

The Essential Church

In our age of rage and social media, people are encouraged to slap back when they are slapped across the face. We think it is up to us to right every wrong and defend ourselves against every offense. In many ways, we are still a shame-honor culture. In a world that urges you to protect your own honor, God’s Word says:

“Good sense makes one slow to anger,
    and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11, ESV)

How often are you willing to listen to an Abigail when you are hurt or upset? The two biggest reasons Christians make foolish decisions is that they don’t listen to God’s Word and they don’t listen to the wise counsel of other believers. Certainly, we must seek the Lord’s leading through prayer, but we must take care not to use “I’ll pray about that” as a reason to exclude the guidance of others.

The church is an incredible gift we must never take for granted. When we make decisions in isolation or reject the advice of others, we are walking down the path of foolishness – sometimes even running down that path!

Christ called the church His body, because we are both united to Him and mutually interdependent on one another, just as the eye needs the ear and the hand needs the foot.[3] The Holy Spirit unites believers to one another so that they can share divine wisdom and encourage one another to follow Christ faithfully. We cannot forsake the fellowship of other believers.

When we respond in fleshly haste, we put ourselves in danger, sometimes both spiritually and physically. We need to seek the wisdom of others in the church, because a word fitly spoken might just spare us from the pangs of conscience later.

[1] The Lord Himself promises David that he will have a son reign on his throne forever (2 Samuel 7:12-16), a promise fulfilled by King Jesus in His present and future kingdom (Isaiah 11:1-10).

[2] It’s ironic that many skeptics claim the Bible is denigrating to women when you have many stories like this one, where the woman is clearly the voice of reason and godly wisdom. For other examples, see: Genesis 38:25-26; Judges 4:4-10; Ruth 2:20-22; 1 Samuel 1:12-17; Esther 7:1-7; Luke 24:9-12; John 12:3-8; Acts 18:26.

[3] See 1 Corinthians 12:12-26.

The Complex Emotion of Anger

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional1 Comment

Uh-oh. There’s that feeling again. It’s like a deep tremor welling up inside. A volcano with growing subterranean pressure. We all know what it’s like to experience the heat of anger. At times, it’s directed at a situation, but more often anger is directed at a person, usually someone you know well. At other times, you are on the receiving end—the volcano is erupting on you!

Anger can wreck friendships and send marriages spiraling into a tailspin. At its worst, it can lead to abuse and tragedy. If left unchecked, anger can be the most destructive human emotion. The Bible gives clear warnings about anger:

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.” (Psalm 37:8, NIV)

Nearly everywhere you look, you can find areas where anger is harming our society. Just consider the problem of road rage. According to a recent study, “More than 1,000 people in the U.S. die each year in road rage incidents.”[1] In their book Anger Kills, authors Redford and Virginia Williams found that those who are prone to angry outbursts are more likely to have coronary heart disease.[2] No wonder the Bible says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11, ESV).

So how do we rightly deal with this volatile emotion?

Admit You Are Angry

If we are going to make any progress in dealing with our anger, we have to be willing to first admit when we are angry. People like to say, “I gave her a piece of my mind” or “I guess I lost my cool there.” But what they really mean is “I was angry.” Maybe you’ve heard the remark: “I don’t get mad, but I do get even.”

Most often, we Christians struggle to admit we are angry because we have been taught that anger is a sin. And certainly, there are more than a few warnings about anger in the Bible. “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22, BSB). But I would argue that passages like this speak of misdirected and uncontrolled anger. The Bible says, “In your anger, do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, NIV).

Anger is not a monochrome emotion that we can so easily file away in the “sin” category. As David Powlison said, anger “is a complex human response to a complex world.”[3] After all, God expresses anger at sin.[4] Throughout Scripture, we read of God’s wrath or righteous indignation in response to injustice, idolatry, and sinful distortions of His good design for humanity.

Jesus Christ, known for His meekness and gentleness, expressed anger many times in the Gospels too – usually in response to self-righteous hypocrisy.[5]

On one occasion, the religious elite demonstrated more concern for catching Jesus in their legalistic trap than for the plight of a man with a withered hand. Their cold-hearted callousness toward real suffering made Jesus hot with righteous anger. He “looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart” (Mark 3:5, ESV).

Anger is the natural human response to evil and injustice. It is the heart crying out, This is wrong. So we should not be reticent to admit when we feel angry. Owning our anger will allow us to rightly deal with it.

Restrain Your Immediate Response

While anger can be the natural human response to wrongdoing, that doesn’t mean it’s always expressed in a good way. In fact, because of our sin nature, our tendency is to express anger in an ungodly or self-centered way, rather than in a godly way like Jesus. The Book of James reminds us about the importance of hitting the brakes to “slow down” when we feel that first surge of anger.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20, ESV)

Consider this scenario. A teenager “borrows” his dad’s Ford Mustang without asking in order to impress a girl and brings it back with an ugly scrape across the door. When his father discovers what happened, what’s his initial response? He’s angry. Very likely, this man will want to fly into a rage, lashing out at his son for his reckless and irresponsible behavior. What his son did was wrong. So to feel anger is only natural, but James would warn this man to hit the brakes. Because a knee-jerk response in anger is almost always destructive.

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” (Proverbs 14:29, NLT)

You may be thinking, Sure, controlling my anger is a great idea. Easier said than done. It’s true that stopping yourself in the moment might not be easy. Ultimately, patience, gentleness, and self-control are produced by the Holy Spirit, not something we can achieve through mere human effort.

However, with God’s help we can learn to respond in the moment in a way that honors Him. Practically speaking, this might mean stepping away temporarily when you start to feel your blood boil. Marriage expert Gary Chapman recommends a husband and wife learn to “call timeout” when emotions begin to surge.[6] This means giving each other space for a brief time, so that both can come back to discuss the matter calmly without having said or done something they regret. Sometimes a walk around the block is enough time to cool the temperatures so that feelings aren’t hurt and a peaceful compromise is reached.

Identify the Cause of Your Anger

We’ve all heard stories of school shootings or homicides that didn’t seem to add up. People say things like “He seemed like such a nice guy” and “I never saw it coming.” No doubt this is in large part because people are good at wearing “nice” on the outside even while unaddressed anger is quietly brewing inside.

While such examples may sound extreme, they simply demonstrate what can happen when anger is not confronted. I’ve talked to several people who have admitted that mistreatment, neglect, or a lack of love in their home growing up planted deep seeds of anger. The long-term effect may even be ignored or downplayed for a time. But because the hurt is still there, they are sometimes shocked by their own angry and emotional outbursts.

For others, it is the deep wounds of a past relationship that planted those seeds of anger. They know it’s there, but they can’t help grieving over the pain of the past. And sometimes that grief mingles into bitterness and hatred.

Neil T. Anderson, who has helped countless people deal with deep-seated anger, said, “Whenever we are asked to help someone who has a root of bitterness, the source of the problem has always been unforgiveness.”[7]

It’s no surprise that right after Paul tells the Ephesians, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger,” he says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV).

The reality is that we all experience anger. I am certainly not exempt from this emotion. We may say, “I’m just strong-willed,” but that might mean we have a fear of being proven wrong. Or we may say, “I just care deeply about the truth,” but oftentimes there’s some insecurity just below the surface.

We are all broken people. But God is in the business of putting broken people back together. By His Spirit and His grace, we can find fresh joy in the Lord. We can experience the peace that He alone gives. But if we don’t deal with the roots of our anger, anger will continue to get the better of us.

Through the Spirit, Paul told the Ephesians, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV). In other words, anger is not always sinful. However, it does no good to dwell on your anger. Or, better said, to let anger dwell in you.

Surrender Your Anger to God

Once we have admitted we feel angry, the first and most important thing to do is surrender it to God. Put that rage, animosity, and ill-feelings toward someone else in God’s hands. It’s a burden He can handle, and He wants to take it off your shoulders.

Again, we often have good reasons for feeling angry. That’s not what is sinful. But harboring and nursing anger leads to a warfare mindset rather than a peace-making mindset. And what we really want is to see the wrongs made right. So who better to entrust your anger to than the God of righteousness and justice?

Remember, God cares more about the wrongs done against you than you do.

“The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 145:17, NIV)

The Lord is more passionate about justice than you or me. So let’s put our case in His hands. He will do what is right, but with perfect authority and timing.

That’s what Jesus did. “When He was reviled, He did not revile in return” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV). When He was mocked, beaten, and mistreated in the most appalling and shameful ways imaginable, Jesus “continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23, ESV).

Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, but Jesus called him His “friend.”[8] His own disciples scattered when Jesus was arrested and killed. But after His resurrection, the Lord graciously approached those same guys who had abandoned Him. He even embraced the one who had previously denied ever knowing Him.

Jesus had every right to be furious for the way He, the spotless Lamb, was being treated, but He surrendered all His righteous anger to His Father in Heaven. And ultimately that’s what you and I are called to do in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Have thoughts on this post? Feel free to comment below!

[1] “Boiling Point” presented at the Mental Health Action Week, 2008, Mental Health Organization.

[2] Redford and Virginia Williams, Anger Kills.

[3] David Powlison, Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness, Kindle edition.

[4] Psalm 7:11.

[5] For example, see Matthew 23.

[6] Gary Chapman, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way.

[7] Neil T. Anderson and Rich Miller, Managing Your Anger, 152.

[8] Matthew 27:50.

Building Bridges by Listening

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for LifeLeave a comment

By Jason Smith

Building Bridges by Lorenzo Quinn

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)

Right now our world is fraught with emotion, anger, and distress. It feels very surreal sometimes to see the violence and tragedy aired on the news or the rage and resentment that is posted on social media. It saddens me to see all the unrestrained fury, bitter sarcasm, and personal denunciations.

So, let’s ask the question together: What can we do to move forward, to see this world become a better place? I don’t ask that question in the Pollyanna sense. I know that a perfect world is one we all hope for. It’s not just Miss America that dreams of world peace. We all want this and would like to know what would contribute to that end, even if imperfectly.

One of the troubles of the American culture right now is our glaring failure to listen. I’ve never seen our nation so polarized, so entrenched in an “us vs. them” mindset. It seems that everywhere I turn I see political, social, racial, and gender divides.

I remember in grade school, I had a relatively minor feud with another boy in my class. Looking back, it was mostly just a petty and childish disagreement. At the time, however, I was so visibly upset about the whole thing that my teacher noticed. She wisely asked me only one question, “Well, have you tried listening to him?”

My initial thought was: Have I tried listening?! That’s what got me so upset! I’ve heard what he has to say. But, of course, what she meant was, “Have you tried listening to understand him?” It’s safe to say that was something I definitely hadn’t done.

Have you ever noticed how when you are in an argument with someone, it’s very hard to actually stop and hear everything they have to say? More often, we’re better at only half-listening while re-loading our verbal shotgun with new arguments that pack a bigger punch. When words are many, tempers flare and emotions run high. It’s not easy to stop ourselves in our tracks, reign in our tongue, and truly listen with the goal of understanding the person we disagree with.

I’m not advocating some kind of moratorium on all debate, of course. Healthy dialogue between people who disagree is a very good thing, and, in fact, necessary for a free and thriving society. I’m merely wondering how much you and I really try to empathize with those of a vastly different perspective.

In Scripture, James writes, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20).

Whether or not you consider yourself a follower of Jesus, this should register as sound wisdom to you. James is calling us to do the opposite of what we tend to do when our blood pressure is rising and our view is clashing with another’s. Jump quickly at the opportunity – not to respond – but to listen. And hold back, be patient, and bide your time in your response.

When you thoughtfully listen to someone else, you are building a bridge to them. You’re crossing over into their world and inviting them to cross over into yours – not so you’ll come out looking the exact same, but so that understanding is better achieved. This is what Italian artist Lorenzo Quinn tried to capture in his incredible sculpture Building Bridges in Venice, depicting six pairs of hands reaching out to one another over the canal (pictured above).

In her book, I’m Still Here, Austin Channing Brown describes how difficult it was to grow up as a black girl in a world where everyone wanted her to conform to their expectations. In her own words, “I was too white for black people, and too black for white people. I had a boy’s name and bad acne. It was terrible.”[1] People from all walks of life tended to disparage her rather than seek to understand her. Perhaps you can relate.

Listening truly is a skill that takes time to master. When we listen with an eagerness to understand the person who holds a different perspective, we are loving them. We’re showing we want to step into their shoes and see things through their eyes, even for just a moment. All too often, we make assumptions about others and lay our personal expectations on them without ever asking about where they are coming from. We don’t open ourselves to differing perspectives, because we see them as a threat to the truth we hold dear. But if we really care about truth, we shouldn’t be afraid to uncover other perspectives that may just help us on our journey to the truth. In listening well, we won’t be devaluing truth. “For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth” (2 Corinthians 13:8).

Here’s a good test we could all take to see how we’re doing on this whole being “quick to listen” thing: the next time you engage in a discussion with someone you firmly disagree with, go into it with the expectation and hope that you will learn something from them. You never know how a different perspective might change the way you approach the issue in the future. You may even be a little humbled. Sure, you probably won’t be fully persuaded by the differing view, but you might identify a blind spot you never knew you had.

What James is proposing is not rocket science. It is incredibly simple, really… and yet the skill of listening thoughtfully to those of a different persuasion is so rarely practiced in our world today.

I mentioned at the beginning of this article that we all desire world peace on some level, but the question is: How can we get there? I personally believe genuine and lasting peace can only be fully consummated when the Lord Jesus Christ comes to make all things new. However, I can tell you this. If, in the meantime, you do practice listening to understand, you will be making great progress in loving that person and establishing the peace that God desires in our relationships, our communities, and our world.

[1] Austin Channing Brown, I’m Still Here (New York: Penguin Random House, 2018), 32.