Tag: affection

Why Your Words Carry So Much Weight for Your Spouse

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life3 Comments

In our busy, technology-saturated, and fast-paced 21st century world, we need clarity on what to prioritize in life. Sometimes, we have to say “No” to good things that are simply not the best things for the moment. When we let God set our priorities, we see from Scripture that God expects us to prioritize our family relationships, and if you are married, the marriage relationship must rank first.

A great place to glean wisdom on family systems and relationships is the timeless book of Proverbs. In Proverbs 31, we learn about the quintessential hard-working woman and how her kids call her blessed and her husband praises her.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:28-29, NIV)

How are you doing at praising your spouse? Words have power. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” says Proverbs 18:21. And in chapter 31, the author, King Lemuel (Proverbs 31:1), discusses not only how amazing this particular woman is (possibly his wife), but also that her husband praises her. The husband does not take his wife for granted. He recognizes all that she is and all she’s done, and he’s saying to his wife, “You know, you really are an amazing woman.” 

Author Gary Chapman calls this “words of affirmation.” It is something that can easily slip off the radar for a married couple, but it’s essential for a thriving relationship. Both men and women need to hear words of affirmation from others, but when you’re married, your spouse’s words carry the most weight. Because the couple lives together and they see one another’s flaws unlike anyone else, a spouse’s heartfelt praise carries tremendous power. 

A wife needs to hear how much her husband adores her.  A husband needs to know that his wife values and respects him. And if you want to strengthen your marriage, there’s no better place to start than building one another up with words. A wife needs to hear her husband say things like, “Sure, there are many amazing women out there, but you stand out above the rest. I only have eyes for you!”

Some men respond, “I don’t know how to praise my wife… I’m not a words guy.” That is something we call a lame excuse. If you don’t know how to do something, you’re not off the hook. Put in a little effort. Watch your wife’s favorite movies with her, and you’ll figure out what she likes to hear. Or better yet, just be more observant of her and simply express some appreciation. But don’t make excuses for not building up your wife with words.

I once heard a husband refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain.” I’m guessing that their intimacy level is not red hot.

In the same way, wives, your words have tremendous power to build up and encourage your husband. Your words will either build him up in the best possible way or they will tear him down in the worst way. Your husband needs to hear words of affirmation and affection from you, too. He needs to know you respect and value his leadership in the marriage.

But since husbands are called to be leaders, you husbands should be leading the way in this practice. Speak life into her when she wakes up. At night, let her know what she means to you. Praise her at the dinner table in front of kids or grandkids. Leave a love note on the bathroom mirror. Make a point of telling her just how grateful you are.

Your words have tremendous power to either build up or tear down your spouse.

So many marriages would be improved if husbands and wives committed to letting one another know just how much they appreciate each other for all they do. This is important.

All married people recognize they are married to an imperfect person. And that’s exactly why you need to bring Jesus into every aspect of your marriage. Because if you have two imperfect people committing to do life together for the rest of their days, you should expect the need for a lot of grace and a lot of forgiveness going both ways.

But when you bring Jesus into your marriage, you have two imperfect people and one perfect God. And He can redeem your marriage. He can change the way your marriage looks. He can make it into a living display of His covenant love for us. That’s a supernatural thing. And God can do it when you commit your marriage to Him.

Have thoughts on this post? I’d love to hear from you!

The Affectionate Husband

On By Jason SmithIn Devotional, Theology for Life2 Comments 
“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.” (Song of Solomon 4:9, NLT)

Marriage is serious business. In His Word, God speaks of marriage as a holy and sacred covenant we make before Him (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 2:17); it is a relationship to cherish and protect from all potential dangers. God expresses righteous indignation toward the one who disregards his wedding vows (Malachi 2:13-16). So marriage is serious business, but it’s also meant to be a relationship of joy and delight.

In fact, these two concepts of reverence toward marriage and delight in marriage support and sustain each other. Contrary to popular belief, to regard something as “holy” does not suggest the absence of joy. Unfortunately, many today want to characterize marriage as boring and rigid, even as a form of slavery. But to view marriage as holy simply means that we should regard it is as special and set apart before God. When a man and woman wed, they are embracing one another in a union that is set apart from all other relationships. Through their vows, the bride and groom are essentially saying to one another, “I give myself exclusively to you and promise to delight in you in a lifelong covenant that I share with no one else.”

Bring Happiness to Your Wife

Maybe you’ve heard the quip that marriage is a three-ring circus. First, there is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and lastly, you have the suffering. However, this is completely contrary to the Bible’s portrayal of marriage. God intends for husband and wife to experience the joy of their union far beyond the honeymoon.

You get a sense of God’s intention for marriage through some of the laws that He gave His people. For instance, through Moses, God said:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” (Deuteronomy 24:5, ESV)

When my wife Whitney and I were engaged, I began considering going to seminary. My friend and mentor, Pastor Matt, wisely counseled me to wait at least one full year after the wedding before enrolling. He pointed to this law for support, saying that God would have me give my full attention to my new bride for the first year. It made perfect sense, and I’m so glad I heeded his advice.

That first year of marriage is pivotal because you are setting a pattern and laying a foundation for the rest of your life together. Notice that God’s high standard for marriage is seen in the way He expressly commands happiness for newlyweds. Translated literally, the husband is commanded to “bring happiness to the wife he has married” (TNIV).

Catch the Little Foxes

Like all God’s laws, this is intended for our good and growth (Deuteronomy 10:13). But how many husbands today have made it their goal to make their wife happy?

Research has shown that a newly married husband will often pour all his attention into establishing his career. He tells his wife (and himself) that he’s only thinking of their future together, but he doesn’t realize he actually is setting a dangerous pattern. Rather than giving his undivided attention to her as an affectionate husband, he postpones affection by spending most of his time away from her.

For some husbands, it’s not until they reach middle age that they suddenly wake up and realize they have neglected their responsibility of showing their wife affection. Instead, they have made career aspirations their first priority.

Song of Solomon is a lengthy poem about King Solomon and his beloved bride. The love poem pictures the marriage union as a garden or vineyard that needs to be protected and cultivated. If you have ever tried to maintain a garden, you know the importance of giving it enough attention and care. There are weeds to be pulled, water and fertilizer to be given, and branches that must be pruned. At one point, Solomon’s bride even laments the “little foxes” that sneak in and destroy their “vineyard”:

“Catch the foxes for us,
    the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
    for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15, ESV)

Many marriages suffer from a lack of proper care and cultivation. When this happens, the “little foxes” of stress, financial hardship, and other distractions can slowly start to corrode the relationship.

So what is the solution? It’s actually quite simple: As the husband, you are to lavish your bride with love and affection. Pursue her with the same tenacity you did to win her heart. Become a lifelong student of your wife, her needs, her hopes, and what brings her joy.

Rejoice in Your Wife

Solomon’s bride exults:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.” (Song of Solomon 1:2, ESV)

When her husband is away, she is less sure of herself (1:5-6). She craves his swift return (2:8) and is distressed when he is gone long hours (3:1-3).

In the TV series Everwood, there’s a scene where a wife confronts her husband, a traveling salesman, about how frequently he is away from home. She tells him how hard it is when he’s gone, not only for their little boy, but for her. With tears in her eyes, she says, “Do you need me that way? Please tell me you still need me that way.”

In God’s design, the wife is designed to long for her husband’s affection, and the husband is designed to fulfill this longing. That’s why Solomon seizes every opportunity to shower his bride with affection, calling her “most beautiful among women” (1:8; also see 1:15; 4:1). As the husband practices this kind of affection, loving his wife is no longer a wearisome duty, but a wonderful delight.

Some might even blush at the way the Bible unabashedly urges the husband to delight in his wife:

“Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, ESV)

When the husband leads the way in tenderly expressing love for his wife, their union is strengthened and their love made secure.

In their book Love Lock, Marty Trammell and Rich Rollins describe the deep longing we all have for security in our love relationships. One of the best ways to show love for our spouse is through attentive listening. They write, “When our spouse knows that her world is becoming more important to us, she feels our love more deeply.”[1]

All of this is encompassed in the straightforward command: “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly” (Colossians 3:19, NLT). The affectionate husband recognizes just how essential this lasting love is.

[1] Marty Trammel and Rich Rollins, Love Lock: Creating Lasting Connections with the One You Love, 29.