“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.” (Song of Solomon 4:9, NLT)

Marriage is serious business. In His Word, God speaks of marriage as a holy and sacred covenant we make before Him (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 2:17); it is a relationship to cherish and protect from all potential dangers. God expresses righteous indignation toward the one who disregards his wedding vows (Malachi 2:13-16). So marriage is serious business, but it’s also meant to be a relationship of joy and delight.

In fact, these two concepts of reverence toward marriage and delight in marriage support and sustain each other. Contrary to popular belief, to regard something as “holy” does not suggest the absence of joy. Unfortunately, many today want to characterize marriage as boring and rigid, even as a form of slavery. But to view marriage as holy simply means that we should regard it is as special and set apart before God. When a man and woman wed, they are embracing one another in a union that is set apart from all other relationships. Through their vows, the bride and groom are essentially saying to one another, “I give myself exclusively to you and promise to delight in you in a lifelong covenant that I share with no one else.”

Bring Happiness to Your Wife

Maybe you’ve heard the quip that marriage is a three-ring circus. First, there is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and lastly, you have the suffering. However, this is completely contrary to the Bible’s portrayal of marriage. God intends for husband and wife to experience the joy of their union far beyond the honeymoon.

You get a sense of God’s intention for marriage through some of the laws that He gave His people. For instance, through Moses, God said:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” (Deuteronomy 24:5, ESV)

When my wife Whitney and I were engaged, I began considering going to seminary. My friend and mentor, Pastor Matt, wisely counseled me to wait at least one full year after the wedding before enrolling. He pointed to this law for support, saying that God would have me give my full attention to my new bride for the first year. It made perfect sense, and I’m so glad I heeded his advice.

That first year of marriage is pivotal because you are setting a pattern and laying a foundation for the rest of your life together. Notice that God’s high standard for marriage is seen in the way He expressly commands happiness for newlyweds. Translated literally, the husband is commanded to “bring happiness to the wife he has married” (TNIV).

Catch the Little Foxes

Like all God’s laws, this is intended for our good and growth (Deuteronomy 10:13). But how many husbands today have made it their goal to make their wife happy?

Research has shown that a newly married husband will often pour all his attention into establishing his career. He tells his wife (and himself) that he’s only thinking of their future together, but he doesn’t realize he actually is setting a dangerous pattern. Rather than giving his undivided attention to her as an affectionate husband, he postpones affection by spending most of his time away from her.

For some husbands, it’s not until they reach middle age that they suddenly wake up and realize they have neglected their responsibility of showing their wife affection. Instead, they have made career aspirations their first priority.

Song of Solomon is a lengthy poem about King Solomon and his beloved bride. The love poem pictures the marriage union as a garden or vineyard that needs to be protected and cultivated. If you have ever tried to maintain a garden, you know the importance of giving it enough attention and care. There are weeds to be pulled, water and fertilizer to be given, and branches that must be pruned. At one point, Solomon’s bride even laments the “little foxes” that sneak in and destroy their “vineyard”:

“Catch the foxes for us,
    the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
    for our vineyards are in blossom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15, ESV)

Many marriages suffer from a lack of proper care and cultivation. When this happens, the “little foxes” of stress, financial hardship, and other distractions can slowly start to corrode the relationship.

So what is the solution? It’s actually quite simple: As the husband, you are to lavish your bride with love and affection. Pursue her with the same tenacity you did to win her heart. Become a lifelong student of your wife, her needs, her hopes, and what brings her joy.

Rejoice in Your Wife

Solomon’s bride exults:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.” (Song of Solomon 1:2, ESV)

When her husband is away, she is less sure of herself (1:5-6). She craves his swift return (2:8) and is distressed when he is gone long hours (3:1-3).

In the TV series Everwood, there’s a scene where a wife confronts her husband, a traveling salesman, about how frequently he is away from home. She tells him how hard it is when he’s gone, not only for their little boy, but for her. With tears in her eyes, she says, “Do you need me that way? Please tell me you still need me that way.”

In God’s design, the wife is designed to long for her husband’s affection, and the husband is designed to fulfill this longing. That’s why Solomon seizes every opportunity to shower his bride with affection, calling her “most beautiful among women” (1:8; also see 1:15; 4:1). As the husband practices this kind of affection, loving his wife is no longer a wearisome duty, but a wonderful delight.

Some might even blush at the way the Bible unabashedly urges the husband to delight in his wife:

“Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, ESV)

When the husband leads the way in tenderly expressing love for his wife, their union is strengthened and their love made secure.

In their book Love Lock, Marty Trammell and Rich Rollins describe the deep longing we all have for security in our love relationships. One of the best ways to show love for our spouse is through attentive listening. They write, “When our spouse knows that her world is becoming more important to us, she feels our love more deeply.”[1]

All of this is encompassed in the straightforward command: “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly” (Colossians 3:19, NLT). The affectionate husband recognizes just how essential this lasting love is.

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[1] Marty Trammel and Rich Rollins, Love Lock: Creating Lasting Connections with the One You Love, 29.