By Jason Smith

"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:3)

Several years ago, a friend of mine told me about how another friend had betrayed his confidence by sharing sensitive information with others. Apparently, this person had even made light of something that had caused my friend a great deal of pain. This caused a rift in their relationship that wasn’t quickly healed.

Former NFL defensive linemen and motivational speaker Joe Ehrmann has talked about how men who are constantly competing and comparing themselves to others can end up feeling very isolated. And with the rise of social media, “friend” has become a verb, but studies have pointed out that it’s becoming increasingly common for men over 30 to have no authentic friends.[1]  

Friendships are precious things. Sadly, most of us don’t take stock of how incredibly valuable genuine friendships are to our overall well-being. However, friendships are also very fragile. They can break if we aren’t careful with them. As my friend Jamie has put it, “The thing about relationships is that my brokenness inevitably bumps up against your brokenness.” You don’t have to live long before you realize that people will let you down. Imperfect people are just that – imperfect. So we need help in our relationships.

The Primary Cause of Relational Conflict

Very often, when a married couple is having issues one spouse will point out all the ways that the other spouse is failing them. The problem, it is said, is that their spouse is too selfish. Of course, what such a person often ignores is that their spouse is usually saying the same thing. Both spouses believe the other is being selfish!

The Bible actually agrees that this is the primary cause of relational conflicts. The problem in each of our hearts is this desire to have our own way. This desire is at the root of every conflict from the minor quarrel to the violent attack.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.” (James 4:1-2, NIV)

If relational conflict stems from the desires battling within, then we have to ask ourselves, “How can I change in this area of relationships?” We all know intuitively that humble and selfless people tend to have more fruitful and thriving relationships. Their personalities are so attractive because they are not so self-consumed.

The good news is that Jesus has not left us alone to navigate the rough terrain of human relationships.

Love: The Missing Ingredient

We talk a lot about love in our culture, but I often wonder if we really know what it is. Love isn’t merely an emotion or feelings of attraction. It is a conscious act of the will, where we go out and meet the needs of others. When God loved us, the Bible said that He showed it, not by merely talking about warm feelings, but by meeting our greatest need through real sacrifice, as when Jesus went to the cross.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 4:10, NIV)

Jesus called His followers to love one another. This kind of love needed to be visible and show up in how we treat one another. It’s what would draw the world to His message of forgiveness. When we as Christians fail to love one another, we are acting no better than the world and implying that we have nothing better to offer.

But gritting our teeth and trying with all our might to work up love in our hearts will never work. It’s something that the Spirit of God has to work in your life. “The fruit of the Spirit is love” (Galatians 5:22).

So How Do I Change?

I have a tan sweater hanging in my closet that I really like. I have worn it on many occasions. I even wore it on several dates when my wife, Whitney, and I just started dating. I have many fond memories while wearing that sweater.

There’s just one problem. Whitney thinks it looks atrocious on me – something about it clashing with my skin tone. She’s had to remind me of this fact on numerous occasions. It’s in my closet right now, but she would rather I get rid of it. For some reason, I just have trouble parting with that beloved sweater.

Why do I bring this up? Because taking off and putting on clothing is the metaphor the Apostle Paul uses when he describes how we change in our relationships in Colossians 3:

“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” (Colossians 3:8-10, NIV)

Notice Paul says our old habits of relational dysfunction (anger, malice, slander, and filthy language) belong to our old self. And he doesn’t say, “You need to take the old self off.” He says, “You already have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self.” In other places, we learn that our old self “died” and has been “crucified with Christ” (Romans 6:6-8; Galatians 2:20). When you come to Christ, you are given a whole new identity – a “new self.” Or to keep in step with Paul’s clothing metaphor, we don’t just need to get our old clothing resized or patched up. We need a whole new set of clothing, which is really the righteousness of Christ.

“I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation.” (Isaiah 61:10, ESV)

To go back to behaving like our “old self” in our relationships is to contradict the change that has taken place in us. It’s like me putting on that old sweater that shouldn’t even be in my closet. Instead, we need to embrace the new clothing meant to replace the old ones.

But Paul’s point is that this can only happen through saturating our hearts and minds with the gospel and letting “the peace of Christ rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15-16). The God of love comes inside so that we can extend that love to others.

The Spirit Makes the Difference

It’s not that we need to produce this love in our hearts by our own willpower. Instead, we need to yield to what Christ is already doing in us by the Holy Spirit. Many people look for evidence of the Holy Spirit chiefly in external signs, but the most definitive evidence of the Holy Spirit’s power is a radically transformed character. In other words, you know the Holy Spirit is dwelling within you if your life starts to match Paul’s description.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

Again, notice this is all about our relationships with others: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. As forgiven people, we are now empowered to forgive those who wrong us. Paul says, “Because you are God’s chosen people, holy, and loved, you need to dress like it.” Christians need to adorn themselves with the traits that match who they really are now. We need to be on Earth who we already are in Heaven.[2] When we do that, our relationships will take on a radically different shape.

The final overcoat that binds these all together is love (v. 14). When we are yielding to the Holy Spirit and His power, love will be the hallmark our lives. We will care more about the unity that glorifies God than satisfying our own self-centered desires. And differing personal preferences and opinions won’t have to divide followers of the same Lord.[3] Spirit-empowered relationships make unity in the church possible. They are also what will draw those outside the church to Jesus Christ.

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[1] See Mark Gaisford, “Why do many middle-aged men like me have absolutely NO FRIENDS – and what toll does it take on our health?” The Daily Mail. ; https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-friendship-crisis_l_5dbc9aa7e4b0576b62a1e90f ; https://www.menshealth.com/uk/mental-strength/a759609/the-truth-about-male-loneliness/

[2] See Colossians 3:1-4.

[3] See Ephesians 4:1-6.